


Leaving You With This Cliche

by artemisia_g



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anorexia, Art School, Bisexual Toni Topaz, Cheryl Blossom Deserves Better, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - C-PTSD, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lesbian Cheryl Blossom, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23172412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemisia_g/pseuds/artemisia_g
Summary: Cheryl Blossom and Toni Topaz are two art majors who think the other is absolutely perfect. As they struggle with their own insecurities, they grow closer to each other.
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 27
Kudos: 181





	1. The Nude Model

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm in quarantine for Coronavirus so what better time to start writing a fic?

“Josie, thank you for trying, but nothing you say is going to make me okay with drawing a nude model.”The older girl laughed lightly. “Haven’t you seen anyone naked before?”

“Only people I’ve slept with.”

“Look, you know I don’t care about this class, because it’s art, and I’m doing it pass/fail, but if you’re majoring in photography I’m pretty sure you have to actually try for the introductory courses.”

Toni groaned, pulling Josie along towards the studios. It was her first semester of college, and being hundreds of miles from the friends she’d known her entire life wasn’t exactly easy. She was grateful that Josie had decided to take art this semester—partly because Josie couldn’t draw to save her life, therefore keeping Toni from being the worst in the class, but mostly because she was in her junior year and had generously spent all of September showing Toni where to study and keeping her from getting lost. Toni had made friends at her dorm and in her other classes, but they had all been as clueless as she was. Josie was invaluable to her.  
It was November now, and the class had finally moved on from still lives to real people. Toni was used to photographing people, but she wasn’t particularly confident in her ability to draw them. The past two weeks of scrawled attempts at faces and figures were evidence enough that her abilities were lacking. She hated drawing off of busts, and part of her was glad that the class had moved onto real people. When they were wearing clothes, it was a good way for her to get experience with figures while feeling a little more like she was doing portrait photography. A nude model, however… call her immature, but Toni just felt uncomfortable about the concept.

Josie’s cheerful call of “Hi, Steph!” to their professor brought Toni out of her thoughts. She dropped her bag by an easel next to where Josie was setting up her things.

“You’re right handed, Jose,” Toni reminded her, motioning for Josie to change the orientation of her own easel.

“I know that,” Josie muttered, straining under the weight of the easel as she re-oriented it. “Why did I let Cheryl convince me to take this class again?”

“Because she’s your best friend and wants you to expand your artistic horizons?” Toni hadn’t met Cheryl, but Josie seemed to love her, and had been not-so-subtly hinting at planning on setting the two up for the past month.

“Yeah, she’s such an amazing artist! You know, I bet she could tell you about the art major…”

“I get it, Josie.” Toni had heard enough about the apparently brilliant art and economics double major for a lifetime.

Josie laughed again, turning her attention to setting up her charcoal. Both girls were certain that the volume of charcoal they were inhaling would be their cause of death, but Toni supposed that it was worth it to finally learn to draw. The arts at her high school were barely even considered in the budget. This was helpful in that no one bothered to take down the darkroom so she was able to develop her photos there all throughout high school, but it also meant that students weren’t allowed to take more art classes than the one year required by the state. The two one-semester classes she got to take were hopelessly overcrowded, so she hadn’t gotten to actually learn anything.

“Ok, class! We’re going to start with a quick warmup before the model gets here. I’m setting a timer for one minute, please start drawing the chairs I set up in the middle!”

A minute later, Toni spared her drawing a cursory glance before wiping the chamois cloth across the page, leaving a ghost behind. Over the first drawing went a 30-second one, and then a 1 minute continuous line drawing.

“I’m improving,” she tried to reassure herself as she looked over the chairs yet again, starting a fourth drawing on the same page. A glance over at Josie’s paper helped, but everyone around them seemed to be naturally perfect at drawing. She knew they’d all practiced for much longer than she had, but on the days when she was missing Fangs and Sweet Pea it could be hard to convince herself that she was making the right decision.

Bright light flooded the studio as the door was flung open, bringing Toni’s eyes up from the newsprint. The most beautiful girl she had even seen had just entered the room in a blazer and matching skirt that had to cost more than a year of textbooks. Hoping her face wasn’t covered in charcoal, Toni coughed slightly.  
Josie looked up, making eye contact with the redhead.

“Cher!” Josie grinned, dropping her piece of charcoal to wave and then frowning at the floor, trying to see what happened to it.

The girl, Cheryl, laughed lightly at her friend, smiled in Toni’s direction, and turned towards Steph. She strutted more than walked, with heels so high Toni would never be able to walk in them, and began talking quietly with Toni’s teacher.

Toni took a careful breath in. The fact that _this_ was Josie’s friend did nothing to change the fact that she was focusing on school. She couldn’t lose her scholarship. She didn’t have time to date, even if the girl in question was as undeniably gorgeous as Cheryl Blossom. How had she not stalked her on instagram yet? Toni shook her head lightly, turning back to her drawing just as the teacher shouted out for them to stop working.

“Ok, good. We’re going to start with ten two-minute poses, and then after a break we’ll have two ten minute ones, followed by a couple of longer poses.”

Cheryl smiled at the professor before strutting to the center of the room, where there was a raised platform. She turned towards Josie, who gave her an energetic thumbs-up. Cheryl’s eyes passed over Josie and she met Toni’s gaze. As their eyes locked, Toni prayed the flushing in her cheeks wasn’t noticeable and forced her hands still, not letting herself fix her hair. She was already covered in charcoal. Touching her hair would just make it worse. Cheryl smirked lightly, kicking off her heels. She brought her hands to her waist and unzipped her sinfully short skirt, letting it drop to the floor. Toni jerked her head away, not letting her eyes follow the skirts path down the girl’s legs.

This is her job, she reminded herself. You’re being inappropriate. Forcing the image of Cheryl’s red underwear out of her mind, she turned back towards Josie, who was trying her hardest not to laugh.

“What?” she hissed, hoping that Josie was about to talk about anything other than Cheryl.

“I think you have a little drool there,” Josie giggled, tapping the side of her mouth.

Toni sunk into her seat, groaning. She wasn’t going to be able to get through this class.

“Okay, first pose!”

The next twenty minutes were harder than performing the initiation dance for the Serpents when she was fourteen. Then, at least Toni could stare at the wall and pretend she was somewhere, anywhere, else. Now her professor was leaning over her shoulder pointing out the shape of Cheryl’s breasts and she couldn’t figure out a balance between don’t stare at the naked girl and measure the distance between her breasts and make sure you get that dip in her shoulder right.

* * *

By her junior year of college, Cheryl could almost say she was happy with herself. The infamous Heather fiasco and subsequent conversion therapy was years ago, and Josie had spent the last three years helping her get through her repressed everything. They were roommates freshman year, and although it took until second semester for her to start opening up, soon enough the other girl knew all of Cheryl’s traumas. Since then, Josie had been tirelessly trying to get Cheryl to start dating again. These attempts had so far been unsuccessful enough that she refused to even meet the new freshman photographer who Josie thought she would be perfect with. Cheryl first tried to refuse by saying that she wouldn’t date a child. This strategy failed when she learned that Toni had taken a year to work after high school, so she was only a year younger than Cheryl and Josie were. Since then, Cheryl had been hoping that Josie would just eventually give up. Cheryl supposed that they would finally meet today, since she was in Josie’s art class. The part of her double major Cheryl had been most terrified about was the requirement to model for other classes, to “get the full experience of being an artist while providing an invaluable resource to other students.” By now she was almost used to standing naked in a room of people staring at her. Almost.

As soon as Cheryl opened the door to the art studio, she caught Josie’s eye. She smiled at her best friend before noticing the girl sitting to her right. The cotton candy-pink hair had to be Toni’s, and Cheryl couldn’t help but smirk at how the girl was ogling her. She would be disgusted by the same behavior from any guy, but the flustered girl’s staring only encouraged her to walk a little more purposefully. She’d be lying if she said Toni wasn’t gorgeous—pretty enough, even, that she might make Cheryl break her " _don’t trust Josie to find me girls to date_ " rule.

Cheryl briefly discussed timing with the teacher before sitting back to watch the students finish their warm up sketches. The class appeared to be filled with underclassmen, with Josie as the notable exception. When Stephanie called for them to stop working, she made her way to the center of the room. If she caught Toni’s eye when she started undressing, it was a complete accident. Definitely. As she let her skirt fall, she was half disappointed and half relieved that the other girl had stopped watching her. She still felt the worry of not being good enough or pretty enough that her mother instilled in her, and standing naked in front of twenty strangers was just the situation to bring those fears out. Josie’s stifled laughter while Toni busied herself with looking through her bag made Cheryl’s heart beat faster, but she bit down on the inside of her cheek and brought her eyes back to Steph, who smiled encouragingly at her.

Steph had been her teacher when Cheryl had taken this course her first semester and became her advisor for her major in art. She had filled the motherly role Cheryl so desperately needed, and had become someone Cheryl could confide to about anything whether or not it was related to academics. Cheryl had only modeled for Steph’s classes so far, not yet confident enough to do it without someone she knew and trusted there. She knew that she could rely on Steph if anything went wrong—like during the other intro class the previous week, when one of the freshman guys in the class tried to grope her when she was taking a break between poses. He’d been thrown out of the class, but Cheryl couldn’t trust any other teacher to do the same thing, even if she knew that they were contractually obliged to.  
Steph looked to her for confirmation that she was ready to begin, and Cheryl nodded.

“Okay, first pose!”

Two hours later, Cheryl was putting her clothes back on as the dozen students started packing up. Josie called her over, so Cheryl attempted to plaster a smile on her face. The smile grew a little more real when she saw Toni staring at her charcoal and avoiding eye contact with Josie.

“Girl, I am so sorry about how this picture turned out. I cannot do you justice.”

Cheryl grinned as she turned to look over Josie’s pages. She avoided the feeling in the pit of her stomach as she saw the proportions. That’s not what you look like, she reminded herself. And if it is, Penelope Blossom is the only one who has a problem with it. Not you.

“You going to say anything?”

Cheryl brought herself out of her thoughts. “Sorry, Josie! You’re really improving.” She cut off her friend’s mock hurt look with a glare. “I mean it! Look at your first drawings versus the last one.”

Josie smiled. “Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, Toni and I always get lunch after class, want to join us?” Josie would have gotten away with the casual tone had all three girls not known her intentions.

“Sorry, I, uh-,” Toni stammered, avoiding eye contact. “Have to work! On a project, for writing.” Toni grimaced slightly at her own words, gathering up her bags. “But, uh, you guys have fun!” She exited the room as gracefully as she could, considering the large pad of newsprint and pile of art supplies she was holding, and didn’t let out her breath until she was safely out of sight.

Cheryl agreed to join Josie for lunch. She made the decision knowing what Josie would want to talk about, but also that she’d feel worse if she ditched her friend. Josie didn’t exactly make it easy on her.

“Soo, what’d you think?”

“Honestly Josie, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“We’re not playing this game again.” Josie groaned as she received only a raised eyebrow from Cheryl in response. “What did you think about Toni?”

“She didn’t even talk to me. And she just faked a prior engagement to get out of having lunch with me.”

“She’s just shy! I mean, she did see you naked.”

“She ogled me, you mean.”

“Like you wouldn’t have done the same! I saw you eye-fucking each other when you walked in.”

Cheryl crossed her arms and attempted to ignore the blush rising on her face. She ignored Josie’s giggle, opening the door to the dining hall and distracting herself with the food options instead. Making her way to the salad bar, she decided she never needed to think about Toni Topaz again. She wasn’t ready for a relationship of any sort, especially one with someone who made her as nervous as the girl she’d just met did.


	2. First Date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm planning on updating every Monday, we'll see how long that lasts... Hope you enjoy!

Three days after the fateful art class, Toni walked into what was usually an art history lecture hall. Today it was being used for the annual meet and greet with the art professors for all freshmen and sophomores interested in joining the major. She was coming straight from her writing seminar, and wasn’t nearly as early as she’d like to be. She spotted Katy, who was in her introductory art history lecture, talking to someone across the room and made her way towards them. 

Katy grinned when she saw Toni arrive, motioning her over. “Hey, Toni! This is Cheryl, she’s majoring in art, with a drawing concentration. She’s a junior!”

Toni winced when she noticed who Katy was talking to, but decided that she was already too close to turn around. She tried to contain her blush as she made eye contact with Cheryl, cursing herself for acting so shy. She’d never been like this back home, where she was surrounded by the friends she considered her family.

Cheryl giggled slightly, holding out a hand for Toni to shake. “Nice to meet you, Toni.”

Toni felt her heart skip a beat as she held onto Cheryl’s hand. Katy beat her to talking, telling the pair that she had to run to an anthropology test and leaving them alone. Toni nodded, tearing her eyes away from Cheryl long enough to wish her friend good luck.

Once Katy left, Cheryl leaned against a desk and let her eyes settle on Toni once again. “You want to major in art?” Receiving a timid nod, she sighed and started again. “Look, I can direct you to one of the professors if you don’t want to talk to me.” 

“No! I mean, uh…”

Cheryl smiled, her confidence returning after Toni’s too-quick reply. “Do you know what you want to concentrate in? If not, it’s totally okay-”

“Photography,” Toni interrupted, then immediately grimaced. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be!” Cheryl protested, reaching out to touch Toni’s arm. She smiled slightly. “It’s nice to hear you talk.”

Toni blushed, but let Cheryl start talking her through the program. She found herself gazing at the redhead instead of listening to her words more than once, but Cheryl, busy filling Toni’s arms with fliers, didn’t seem to notice.

Twenty minutes later, Cheryl was scrolling through Toni’s photography instagram when the department head announced that the event was ending. Toni shifted her weight, suddenly aware of just how much she wanted to keep talking to Cheryl.

Cheryl, it seemed, was on exactly the same wavelength, as she frowned slightly at the announcement before turning back towards Toni.

“Do you want to grab dinner together?” Suddenly worried she was being too forward, she half-heartedly tacked on “to keep looking at your work.”

Toni grinned, perfectly aware of Cheryl’s intentions. “I’d love to.”

Sitting in the booth next to Cheryl, Toni immediately regretted her full plate of food. Why did she order a cheeseburger? Even if she hadn’t had to stand in line for what seemed like forever, making Cheryl wait, she looked glutinous, especially when she compared her meal to Cheryl’s. Cheryl had made a salad. She seemed like the type of person who enjoyed salad. Cheryl’s spinach leaves were topped with a slice of chicken, cherry tomatoes, and bits of sweet potato. Toni liked sweet potatoes. Why hadn’t she gotten a piece of fruit? She could have grabbed an apple on their way to booths. What kind of person didn’t eat fruit?

Cheryl was carefully cutting the chicken when she started to speak. “Do you like it here?”

Did she like it here? The campus was much nicer than where she grew up. She’s definitely supposed to like it.

“Yeah, it’s nice to finally get to take art classes.”

Cheryl nodded, chewing carefully. “Steph’s one of the best professors here. But you should try to get into Johnson’s photo class next semester. He has a summer program outside of Marseilles he takes a few students on every year. He says he doesn’t, but he definitely gives preference to anyone he’s had in his classes. He’d like you. He’s always trying to get students to take portraits with depth. Half of the intro photography class is just guys who think they’re artists because they own a fancy camera. You’ll be the best one there, no doubt.”

Toni swallowed her doubts about leaving the country for the summer. There was no way she could spend that long without working. “Sounds fun. And I’ll take the compliments.” She smiled, eager to play the part of a date worthy of the girl sitting across from her.

Cheryl laughed, leaning over to grip Toni’s forearm. “I mean it. You’re uber talented.”

Toni nodded, happily going back to her food. Cheryl liked her photos. A minute later, she was distracted by the scent of maple syrup as a girl walked by with a plate full of waffles. Laughing lightly, she told Cheryl that she’d hadn’t known how weird peoples’ dining choices could be until this year.

Cheryl nodded but quickly changed the subject. She talked about everything but her family through the rest of dinner, and played with her fork when she was listening to Toni. As they got up to put their dishes on the conveyor belt—Cheryl’s still mostly full, and Toni’s with more food on it than she’d ever left in her life—Toni started explaining her next drawing assignment, and expressed her apprehension about finding three willing subjects to spend hours sitting for her to draw.

“I’ll be offended if that isn’t your way of asking me to model for you, Toni.”

“Wait, really? You’d do it?”

The pair walked past the Clarence Blossom science hall.

“Hey, this must be your favorite building. What with the name and all.”

Cheryl groaned. “Please don’t remind me.”

“Wait, what? It’s not actually your family, is it?” At Cheryl’s grimace, Toni stopped in her tracks. “Really?”

“Yeah. And a total coincidence, they started building just the year before my father was accepted.”

Toni panicked. Why was Cheryl even interested in her? She was probably just humoring her. She attempted a joke. “So should we be expecting another building for you?”

Cheryl let out a dry laugh. “My father doesn’t care enough to bribe the admissions office.” She stopped herself when Toni’s expression turned concerned. “But no matter. Which way to your dorm?”

And so Toni found herself in her dorm room, Cheryl Blossom standing beside her bed. Cheryl hadn’t commented on the lack of decoration, but Toni felt as though she must be thinking about it. Her roommate’s wall was covered in photos from homecoming and prom, groups of girls in every one. Toni was the photographer. Why were her walls bare?

She knew why. She knew that she could still barely look at a photo of her friends without wanting to run back home, to slot right back into the life she’d left behind without a backwards glance and let all her fantasies about higher education fall away.

Cheryl didn’t know that. Cheryl didn’t know anything about her, really. This girl might as well be a perfect stranger. She had no right to judge.

She probably was judging. Toni thinks that she would judge, if she was as rich as Cheryl was. She couldn’t know how much of an imposter Toni felt like, but she could probably tell. She couldn’t know why. She couldn’t know how hard it is for Toni not to start piling food in her room, terrified that the endless supply in the food hall would run out, terrified that she’d lose her meal plan. She doesn’t know, and she probably never will. She’s going to graduate and use her economics degree to run her family’s billion dollar business and get married and have two perfectly stuck up children and live out a perfect life in exactly the way Toni never would.

“Do you want to start with a traditional portrait before you get to the weird angles?”

When Cheryl speaks, Toni’s mind stops running. All she sees are cherry-red lips and the soft smile that’s directed at her, and maybe she doesn’t deserve its full force because even this is making her heart stop beating.

“Yeah, okay. Can you sit down?”

Cheryl smiled at her again as she sat on the bed, leaning against the wall. “Any facial expression in particular?”

“No, anything.” Toni started drawing, looping her pencil across the paper over and over again. She’d never even attempted to draw a portrait with a single line before, so she considered the lopsided drawing a success. “What do you think?”

Cheryl leaned over her shoulder to peer at the drawing. “It’s good. Try to block the proportions out a little more, and you should keep going for longer on the next one. I really like it.” She looked up at Toni, who was watching her with an expression she couldn’t decipher. “Want to do another?”

Broken out of her staring yet again, Toni nodded, gesturing for Cheryl to move back up the bed. “Maybe I’ll do another few before I get to the ones I have to turn in.”

Cheryl giggled. “Take as long as you want.”

Toni swallowed, looking down. “Yeah.”

After two hours of drawing and chatting, Toni was nearly done with the assignment but eager to prolong their time together. “Do you want to finish another time?”

Cheryl nodded once, then cocked her head towards Toni. “I’ll need your number for that.”

Toni created a new contact and offered her phone to Cheryl, who plugged her number in and immediately took a photo. She gave the phone back to Toni, who smiled at the thumbnail before looking back up. “I’ll text you.”

Cheryl nodded again. “I’m free all afternoon.”

“4 o’clock?”

An all too familiar smirk found its way back to Cheryl’s face. “It’s a date.”

Toni nodded so quickly that she had to force herself to stop out of fear of seeming desperate. Blushing at Cheryl’s light laughter, she reached a hand out to Cheryl’s arm. “Seriously, thank you.”

“Anytime.” After a brief moment of consideration, Cheryl leaned down to give Toni a quick hug. Before she could start to second guess herself, and before Toni had a chance to react, Cheryl straightened and was out the door with a quick wave.

Arriving at her suite, Cheryl glanced briefly at Josie’s door before retreating to her own room. She undressed and slipped under the covers, hugging the red teddy bear Jason had given her for their seventeenth birthday. He’s the one she wanted to talk to. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to remember his easy smile, the way he held her when she slipped into his bed at night.

Cheryl didn’t let herself think about the reason she usually slept in her twin’s room instead of her own. Instead, she imagined him asking about her day, teasing her that it sounds a lot like a date.

“Cheryl!” Josie swung the door open. Cheryl should really start locking it. “You can’t just text me that you’re skipping out on dinner because you’re with Toni and then not text me back for hours!”

“Hey, Josie.”

“It’s ten o’clock. What happened? What’d you do? Did you kiss her?”

“God Josie, no. I told her about the art major, we had dinner, and then I let her draw me for homework. That’s it.” She should tell Josie more. She would have told Jason everything.

“Girl, no. Come on.”

Cheryl sighed, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Absentmindedly stroking the bear in her lap, she started again. “Okay, I like her.”

Josie squealed, only stopping when she noticed the forlorn expression on Cheryl’s face. “What’s wrong? I  _ know _ she’s into girls and, more specifically, you.”

Cheryl shook her head. “I just don’t think I’m ready. Also, she’s too good for me. And all the food stuff came back.”

Josie frowned sympathetically before spinning on her heel and all but running out of the room. She returned a second later, holding a chocolate granola bar. She shook her head at Cheryl’s whine, holding the bar out to her.

“Fine. You have to watch me.”

“What did you eat?”

“Not enough.” Cheryl took a bite and chewed slowly.

Sitting down next to her friend, Josie offered a warm smile. “Do you want me to talk to her in class tomorrow? I can just try to get info, I won’t say anything you don’t want me to.”

Cheryl nodded, starting to put the granola bar down. She brought it back to her lips at Josie’s pointed look, grateful that Josie stayed quiet, letting her keep at least a shred of dignity.

“Soo, she was drawing you again?”

Cheryl giggled. “I kept my clothes on.”

“Wait, I’m not losing my place as number one in Cheryl Blossom’s inner circle, am I?”

Cheryl reached a hand out to squeeze Josie’s wrist. “Never. And you set us up, remember? If we do get together, all credit goes to you.”

“Mm, you both want to be together, so I think that’s looking likely. Are you going to see her again?”

“Yeah, she has to finish the drawings, so tomorrow afternoon.”

“Wait, how long are we supposed to spend on that? I drew you for like, twenty minutes.”

“Well, we weren’t drawing the whole time.” Cheryl narrowed her eyes at Josie’s suggestive eyebrow movements. “I mean that we were talking.”

“Okay, okay. But still.” Josie situated herself on the bed. “I need all the details.”


	3. Be My Girlfriend?

Toni arrived at class almost twenty minutes early, hoping to learn if Cheryl had told Josie anything about last night. Slipping into the classroom, she set up her easel and started organizing her charcoal. A buzz from beside her broke her concentration and she grabbed her phone eagerly, hoping for a text from either Cheryl or Josie.

She scrolled through the stream of messages Sweet Pea and Fangs, which alternated between congratulating her, threatening to make the eight hour drive to see her if Cheryl hurt her or if she refused to answer them, and begging for more information. Sighing, Toni started responding to her friends. She looked up excitedly every time the door opened, and then had to smile whenever she made eye contact with her classmates.

Tapping her foot on the ground, Toni went back to her phone. Finding Josie’s Instagram, she scrolled down the list of followers, pausing when she found Cheryl’s name. Was that too forward? Her finger was hovering over the “follow” button when she heard her name.

“Josie! How are you?” This was normal. How did she usually greet Josie? What would she say on any other day?

“You seem eager to tell me something.” Josie grinned, slipping into the seat beside Toni.

Toni glanced up at the clock. Ten minutes until class started. “It seems more like you’re eager for me to tell you something.”

“Cheryl told me _everything_ last night. Now I just need your side of the story.”

“What did she say?”

“Nuh-uh. I’m the impartial observer who simply supports this relationship. You both tell me everything, and I promise to use the knowledge for good.”

Toni pouted. “Please?”

“Maybe that pout works on _Cheryl_ , but not on me.”

“Can you just tell me if she actually hates me?”

“Toni. Of course she doesn’t. She told me she _likes_ you. And trust me, I’ve been trying to set her up with someone for the past year and a half, so that’s high praise.”

Toni narrowed her eyes. “Why hasn’t it worked?”

Josie shifted in her seat, glancing sideways. “She’s been… working through things. I can’t really say. But the point is, you’re the first person she’s actually liked.”

“She likes me?”

Josie laughed, hitting Toni on the arm. “Obviously. Now spill.”

Toni took in a breath and started tapping her fingers on her leg. “I went to that meet and greet yesterday, and she was one of the upperclassmen helping out. One of my friends from art history was already talking to her, I probably wouldn’t have gone up to her otherwise. Don’t tell her that!” Josie laughed at Toni’s panic, motioning for her to keep going. “I don’t know, she was really nice. And I was a mess. But she asked me to go to dinner with her.”

Toni winced, suddenly remembering her panic from the earlier night. She responded to Josie’s questioning look with “I don’t know, I just got really nervous. And she ordered a salad, which is, like, healthy, and I looked disgusting. Which is kind of ridiculous, but anyway. We were talking a lot, and then we went back to my dorm so I could draw her. And then she was helping me, with a mirror, and I was just so close to her. It was fun.” Toni trailed off, smiling.

Josie had a look in her eyes Toni couldn’t place, but it was soon replaced with a genuine smile. “Okay, adorable. What’d you think about the hug?”

“What did she tell you about the hug?”

“I asked first.”

“You know I like her! Of course I’m happy that she hugged me.” Toni laughed at Josie’s grin. “She left kind of quickly.”

Josie nodded. “But you’ll see her this afternoon.”

“Yeah.”

“Ooh, you should come over to our dorm! You guys can work in the living room.”

“You mean where you can watch us?”

“What? I would never.”

Steph entered the room before Toni could offer a retort, so Josie reluctantly turned back to her easel. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“Of course not! We’re talking _all_ through lunch.”

At 3:00, Cheryl decided to change her outfit. She did the same thing ten, and then twenty, minutes later. She sat back down at her desk, hands hovering over the keyboard. Was the current social security system sustainable? Her _brain_ wasn’t sustainable. She had too many tabs open. With a sigh, she closed her laptop. She wasn’t going to get anything done before Toni came over anyway. Pulling out her phone, she read through Josie’s texts again, hoping for any insight on Toni’s feelings that she’d missed the first time around. Josie had stated them pretty explicitly. But still. She could never be too careful.

Cheryl opened instagram, plugging in the name of Toni’s photography account. But she definitely hadn’t memorized it. That would be pathetic. After scrolling through the photos for a couple of minutes, she pressed follow. Before she could regret it, she tossed her phone back on the bed. She went to stand in front of her closet yet again. Was she too dressed up? Yes, definitely. Pulling out a crop top, she took off her blouse. The puffed sleeves were too much. But now did she need a sweater? She was showing too much skin. It looked desperate.

“Cheryl! I’m so sorry, Johnson’s class went way over, I couldn’t leave.” Josie entered Cheryl’s room, smirking at the growing piles of clothes. “Need any help?”

“No, I… Do I need a sweater with this?”

“You look hot.”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Help me clean this up before she gets here?”

Josie agreed, her grin growing. “Anything for you.” As she was hanging one of Cheryl’s red dresses back in the closet, she felt her phone buzzing. Her eyes lighting up as she read the text, she held her phone out towards Cheryl. “Toni wants to know if she can come early, or if that’ll look desperate.”

Cheryl giggled. “I’m ready. Right? I think I am. Wait, do I need to fix my makeup?”

“You’re gorgeous. Don’t change a thing. I’m telling her to come now.” Ignoring Cheryl’s whine of protest, Josie responded to Toni’s text, adding far more winking emojis than were necessary.

Cheryl kissed Toni goodbye. She felt all the cliche butterflies, or at least managed to convince herself that was what the nauseous feeling in her stomach was. Pulling away, Cheryl ran her hands down Toni’s arms until she reached her hands, which she took in her own.

Cheryl made Toni promise to text when she got back to her dorm. She stood in the doorway, watching her walk down the hall. Toni turned back and offered a wave, which she happily returned. Finally closing the door, she let the smile she’d been fighting spread across her face. Even Josie appearing from her room, evidently having been listening to their goodbyes and waiting for Toni to leave, didn’t dampen her spirits. When Josie hugged her, she let her squeal and spin her around the room.

“I’m safe :)”

Cheryl grabbed her phone. “Glad to hear it! Have a good night xx”

“Goodnight! See you tomorrow!!”

“Can’t wait!”

A week later, Cheryl was on her way to Toni’s dorm for their fifth date in as many days. “Hi TT!” She beamed, coming up to hug her maybe-girlfriend. That’s what you’d call it, right? She hadn’t gotten this far with Heather.

She’d been friends with Heather for months before their first kiss, though. That added a complication in the comparison. Which way it skewed her analysis of “at what point are we dating” she didn’t know. She should ask. But how would she even ask? No one asked to go steady anymore. Of that, she was certain. Asking Toni to be her girlfriend didn’t exactly have the same romanticized feeling, even if the thought made her heart skip a beat.

Maybe it _did_ have the same romanticization. Why hadn’t she dated someone the year before, so she could know how it worked?

“Hi, Cher.” Toni wrapped her arms from Cheryl’s neck, leaning in to peck her lips. She smiled. “I missed you.”

“Mm, how did you ever get through art without me?” Happily distracted from her thoughts, Cheryl let the conversation meander.

When they arrived at the museum, Cheryl held the door open. Toni took her hand as they walked through the halls, sizing up the work.

“Oh, that’s my favorite!” Toni moved closer to the sculpture, examining the submerged broken glass. “Do you think it stands upright if the thread is taut?”

Cheryl hummed in agreement, moving to examine the wall text. “It’s about Hiroshima. When they take it outside, the balloon reaches the height of the explosion when the thread fully unspools.”

“That’s so cool. Speaking of not knowing how to sound smart at art galleries-”

“You sound smart at galleries! I’ll never forget your scathing critique of Pollock.”

“Well yeah, he didn’t let his wife in his studio so she couldn’t make large-scale paintings until after he died! Plus he’s only famous because the US government was trying to prove that we promoted art, unlike the ‘godless commies.’” Toni smiled at the fond look Cheryl was giving her. “But anyway, my point was, I was watching this TV show where one of the characters worked at an art gallery, and she was explaining these ugly abstract paintings to I think potential buyers? And it was just all “the composition has really strong juxtaposition” type stuff, which literally didn’t mean anything. She’d fail art history.”

“You know TV shows never actually have art people check the scripts.”

“But they should! It’s like a major network. How hard could it be?”

“Too hard to bother cutting into their budget for the sake of accurate dialogue, apparently.”

Toni smiled up at her. “I really like talking to you.”

“Me too. Josie’s amazing, but art and music have surprisingly little overlap.” Cheryl smiled and squeezed Toni’s hand, pulling her further into the museum.

After finishing their exploration, the pair sat down at the museum’s cafe. Toni smiled, opening her mouth before closing it again, deciding to busy herself with stirring her hot chocolate.

Cheryl set her coffee down. “What?”

“I… will you be my girlfriend?” Toni blushed at the words tumbling out of her mouth.

“Of course!” Cheryl reached an arm out to rest her hand on Toni’s. Interlacing their fingers, she continued. “I really like you, TT.”

Toni smiled. “Good.” Releasing her lip from between her teeth, she leaned over to press her lips against Cheryl’s, smiling into the kiss.

Unlocking the door to their dorm, Cheryl was met with Josie bouncing on the balls of her feet. She smiled, wrapping her arms around her friend.

“How’d it go? Without the nerdy art talk, please.”

“Really good. She asked me to be her girlfriend.”

Josie pulled back, searching Cheryl’s face. “And?”

“I said yes, obviously.” Cheryl laughed at Josie’s squealing, agreeing to go out to celebrate. “No bars, Josie. We are not having a repeat of last time.”

“It wasn’t so bad!”

“You had the worst hangover of your life, and I had to wash your sheets and carpet because you vomited on them.”

“Ookay, fine. I won’t drink. But Reggie’s frat’s having a party!”

“Why does this sound like a celebration for you?”

“Because I set you up! And my work has been appreciated!” Josie grinned, ignoring Cheryl rolling her eyes.

Still smiling, Toni said goodbye to Cheryl and practically skipped up to her dorm. She had two days before she’d see Josie in art class, but she was confident that their friend would only be telling Cheryl good things in the time before then.

Cheryl. Her girlfriend. Flopping down onto her bed, Toni pulled out her phone to update Sweet Pea and Fangs.

“Told you so. But srsly I’m happy for you”

“Tiny we need to meet her I have never not known your love interest of the week and internet stalking is NOT enough”

Rolling her eyes, Toni accepted Fangs’ FaceTime request. He and Sweet Pea filled the screen, clearly jostling to get control of the phone. The familiar beeping of Sweet Pea’s TV cracked through the speakers. “I miss you.”

“Tones, get your education! We’ll be here. And you’re coming for Thanksgiving. Also, spill.”

Toni recounted the date, amused by Fangs’ genuine excitement and Sweet Pea’s poorly concealed boredom.

“So yeah. Of course I can’t wait to see you again, but then I’m not going to see her for a whole week.” She glared at Fangs. “Don’t laugh at me!”

Sweet Pea smiled at her. “She’s welcome to come here, Tones. I mean, I wouldn’t want to go home if I were her.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, her parents forced her to go to rehab after her brother got murdered.”

“Sweets, what are you talking about?”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“How do you know anything about her?”

“I googled her. I mean, you told us she was basically an heiress.”

“I-you googled her?”

“You didn’t? Wow, your internet skills need work.” Sweet Pea paused, looking guiltily at Fangs. “Fangs told me not to tell you anything. Sorry.”

“Of course I didn’t. I didn't even know she _had_ a brother. Also, now I’m mad I found out from you.”

“Sorry, but I do think you need to talk to her about it.”

“Maybe.” Toni laid back, propping her phone in front of her. “Tell me something else?”

“Oh, you’ll never believe it. Jessica’s pregnant. And I heard it’s Kurtz’s.”

“No way, she wouldn’t get back with him. I think…” Toni smiled, letting her friends debate as she listened, trying to distract herself from what she heard about Cheryl.


	4. First... Disagreement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, but if I skip a week I'll lose motivation so I'm putting it up anyway

“I’m going to hate to leave you for all of break,” Toni sighed, reaching out to play with Cheryl’s fingers.

“You’re staying with your friend, right?”

Toni nodded. “What about you?”

“I’ll be here,” Cheryl responded, trying to keep her voice light.

“Really? I mean, if not your family, can’t you stay with Josie or…”

Cheryl shook her head. “I did last year, but she’s not really in the best place with her mom. I don’t want to add to it.” Seeing Toni’s concerned look, she leaned over to press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “I’ll be okay. I needed to catch up on work anyway.”

Seeing that Cheryl was done talking about her break, Toni reluctantly changed the subject. “Doesn’t your ‘catching up on work’ mean you fell less than two weeks ahead?”

“No!”

Toni laughed at Cheryl’s aghast expression as she leaned into her, resting her head on Cheryl’s shoulder. Biting her lip, she thought back to what Sweet Pea had told her.

“Cher, we don’t have to talk about it if you really don’t want to, but I just feel like I don’t know anything about your family. Or your childhood.”

Cheryl straightened and turned to face her girlfriend, immediately on the defensive. “It’s not like you’ve told me about your family, either.”

“But I will, if you want to know.” Running her thumbs over Cheryl’s knuckles, she continued. “Do you want me to tell you?”

Cheryl squeezed her eyes shut, turning her hands over to hold onto Toni’s. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Toni waited. “At the end of our junior year, JJ… My twin brother was… they still don’t know who did it. He was my best friend. My savior. We were going to go to college together.” Cheryl met Toni’s gaze and took a shaky breath. “There was this girl, Heather, a French exchange student. We became friends because I was fluent, she got tired of talking in English all the time, and then we became… more than that. Jason made sure our parents never found out. He was the best brother.” Cheryl gave a watery smile at the memory. “She came to the funeral, and after… we kissed once. It wasn’t disrespectful, or _deviant…_ my mother saw us. She made sure Heather’s program ended early and sent me to conversion therapy.”

“Wait, what?”

Cheryl looked up, squinting slightly. “Why is that the part you’re-” Seeming to realize something, she snatched her hand away from Toni, standing and backing away from the bed. “You read the articles.” Her eyes filling with tears at Toni’s guilty look, Cheryl backed into the wall, gripping her forearm. Trying to ignore how her mind was spirling, she focused on the marks her nails were making.

Toni stood, touching Cheryl’s arm lightly. She looked worriedly at Cheryl’s grip. “Cher, I didn’t-”

Cheryl pulled away, wiping harshly at her eyes. “Get away from me.”

“Cheryl, listen to me. Please, I promise, I-”

“Get out, Toni! I don’t _want_ you here.”

Toni dropped her hand. “Okay. I’m going to call Josie, is that okay?”

“Get out!”

A few minutes later Josie rushed into Cheryl’s room. She dropped her textbooks and bag, sitting down next to where Cheryl was curled in a corner. Holding Cheryl against her chest, she ran her fingers through her red hair.

“We’ll talk whenever you’re ready, darling.”

Cheryl sniffled. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, wiping her eyes.

“No, we’re here for you, no matter what. You’re okay. I promise.”

“I just… I don’t think I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Relationships? I don’t know. Like, she googled me, that’s what I did to you when I got the roommate assignment. And I just started crying, and yelling at her. I’m not a good person, Josie.” Her confession trailing off into a whine, Cheryl tucked her head back into Josie’s neck and tightened her grip on her friend’s arms.

“You are, Cheryl. You so are.” Josie cradled Cheryl’s face in her hands, making sure she was listening. “You had a panic attack. That isn’t your fault.”

“I’m crazy. Literally clinically insane.”

“You aren’t crazy. Your mind’s just trying to process what happened to you.” Reaching out to tuck a strand of Cheryl’s hair behind her ear, Josie continued. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure half of campus has anxiety. I know there’s more to it for you, but panic attacks are totally normal. It’s okay.”

Cheryl straightened and looked up at Josie. “What’d she tell you?”

Josie sighed. “One of her friends from high school told her something he read about you online. She wanted to hear it from you, so she asked. And you got upset when you realized she already knew, and told her to leave. She wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want to talk to her?”

Shaking her head, Cheryl whimpered. “She’s gonna hate me.”

“I talked to her, remember? She just wants you to be okay. She isn’t mad at you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Cheryl?” Toni stepped into the room, careful not to get too close.

“Toni.” Cheryl nodded in acknowledgement and stood, swaying slightly. She made her way over to her girlfriend, stopping a few inches away. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I shouldn’t have pushed. And I should have told you what I already knew.”

“Josie told me. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know that I…” Cheryl swallowed, taking a breath. “I have C-PTSD. Meaning trauma from repeated events, mostly my parents.” She offered a soft smile, taking Toni’s hand.

Toni winced, biting her lip. “I’m really sorry. Is there… can I help?”

“I’m really doing better now. Therapy helps, and time, but I suppose that I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Everything’s going quickly between us, and I don’t not want to be with you, I don’t, I just don’t always know what to do, or how to manage what I’m feeling.”

“I get that. I mean, not in the same way, obviously, but you’re my first real relationship. So this is new for me too.”

Cheryl nodded. “Forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, babe.”

Blushing at the nickname, Cheryl shook her head. “I was cruel to you. No matter what’s happened to me in the past, I’m still fully responsible for my actions.”

“Cruel? You were upset, and you lashed out. You didn’t have bad intentions.”

“Still.”

“Okay. Of course.” Toni wrapped her arms around Cheryl’s neck, reaching up to whisper against her lips. “You’re amazing.”

Cheryl laughed lightly, letting her hands fall on Toni’s waist. “As are you, ma chérie.” The two kissed lazily as Cheryl walked them back to her bed. She lifted Toni onto the comforter and settled between her legs, pulling back to smile. “I’m working on my reactions. I’m getting better.”

Toni nodded, pressing her lips to Cheryl’s once more. “I believe you.”


	5. Thanksgiving Break

Coming out of therapy the next evening, Cheryl hurried back to her dorm room. She was too emotional to stop at the library before getting ready for bed, and didn’t want to risk running into anyone she knew. Now was certainly not the time for small talk. As she neared her dorm, she heard voices spilling into the hall, and hoped Josie was in her room, not the kitchenette, which wasn’t a living room, even though Josie insisted that putting a couch in it automatically turned it into one, which Cheryl would have to walk through to get to her bedroom. She made sure to level her breathing before swiping her ID card and pushing the door open, already casting her eyes downward so Josie’s friend wouldn’t be able to notice anything was wrong.

“Cheryl!”

Greeted by two voices, Cheryl reluctantly looked up, flushing slightly when she saw who Josie’s guest was. “Toni? What are you doing here?”

Hopping off the counter, Toni reached out to take Cheryl’s hand in hers. “I wanted to surprise you, but Josie said you were out.” After punctuating her statement with a sheepish grin, Toni paused to let her smile drop, tilting her head. “You okay?”

Cheryl nodded. “Therapy.”

“Oh. Do you… can I stay?”

Cheryl bit her lip. “I might not be the most fun to be around.”

“I don’t mind.” Swinging their joined hands, Toni continued. “I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me.” Toni let Cheryl lead her into her bedroom, ignoring Josie’s obnoxious grin.

“Thank you, mon cœur.”

“...Is that French?”

“But of course. My heart,” she translated, looking down at their intertwined fingers, and smiling as Toni pressed a kiss to her lips. “I talked about you.”

“Good things, I hope.”

“There isn’t anything bad to say,” Cheryl laughed, tugging at Toni’s fingers. “Do you mind if I get changed?”

“No, go ahead,” Toni replied, squeezing her eyes shut when Cheryl started to unzip her dress. She blushed at Cheryl’s melodious laughter as her girlfriend reminded her that it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before, finally opening her eyes when she heard Cheryl leave the room. She returned a minute later, her face clean of makeup and her breath minty, to sit down next to her.

Toni smirked. “Maybe it isn’t, but I want the next time to be when we…” Losing her confidence under Cheryl’s gaze, Toni looked away as she trailed off, adding a half hearted “you know.”

Cheryl leaned over to kiss her cheek, running her fingers down Toni’s arm. “You’re so cute.”

“I am not!” Cheryl giggled again, making Toni’s feigned offense melt away as she leaned into a kiss. “I’m going to miss you.”

“You can call me every day,” Cheryl reminded her. Toni nodded, resting her head on Cheryl’s shoulder. “And you can stay over tonight, if you want. Just to sleep.”

“Really?” At Cheryl’s affirmative nod and shy smile, Toni leaned in to kiss her again. “What will Josie think?” Pulling away slightly, she tilted her head, adding “Can I borrow something to wear?”

Sitting back on the bed, Toni watched Cheryl rummage through her drawers, eventually pulling out a cropped plaid shirt with matching shorts. Cheryl made her way back to Toni, her legs looking longer than ever in her sinfully short red silk shorts. She had to be walking like that on purpose, Toni thought.

Dropping the clothes in Toni’s hands, Cheryl spoke clearly but softly, her lips just as addicting to watch without red lipstick coating them. “Do you want me to close my eyes?” Raising an eyebrow, her lips curled up into something between a smile and a smirk.

“No,” Toni breathed, reaching up to tangle her hands in Cheryl’s hair as she brought her into a kiss. Cheryl joined her on the bed, eventually pulling away with a gasp, waiting. Suddenly shy again, Toni asked “is that okay?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, TT.”

Toni nodded, taking in a breath before pulling her shirt over her head. Leaving her strapless bra on, she took Cheryl’s hand and brought it to her waist. She stilled, watching Cheryl’s gaze travel over her torso. Cheryl dragged her fingers across her stomach, brushing along her ribs. Toni closed her eyes, leaning into Cheryl’s touch as her girlfriend's lips crossed her collarbone, planting feather-light kisses over her shoulder. Toni smiled, opening her eyes again as she felt Cheryl press a kiss to her cheek. Swallowing, she pulled the pyjama top on before unclasping her bra and tossing it to the floor alongside her shirt. She squeezed Cheryl’s hands before standing to take her jeans off and pulling Cheryl’s shorts on. Fully dressed once again, she paused, twisting a strand of hair between her fingers and waiting for Cheryl to take the lead.

“I like you in my clothes,” Cheryl whispered, moving to the top of the bed and smiling softly. She sat upright by the pillows and reached a hand out for Toni to take. Toni curled her fingers around Cheryls’ and joined her beneath the covers, copying her movement to lie down. Cheryl turned onto her side, reaching an arm out to wrap around Toni’s waist. Toni happily acquiesced, tucking her head beneath her girlfriend’s chin as she let herself be held, falling asleep more easily than she had since arriving on campus.

The next morning, Cheryl walked Toni back to her dorm. After helping her pack, she drove her to the train station. Toni had protested, saying that Cheryl didn’t need to drive an hour and a half round trip for her, but Cheryl insisted, which made Toni happier than she’d like to admit. Toni hoisted a duffle bag of her summer and fall clothes on her shoulder, hugging Cheryl goodbye as the train pulled up. She found her seat and looked out the window to where Cheryl was still standing on the platform. She watched Cheryl blow her a kiss and wiggle her fingers in a wave, clearly thinking about her best angle. Toni waved back with a grin and pressed her hands to the window, keeping her eyes glued to Cheryl’s until the train pulled away.

Seven hours later, when she was finally nearing her stop, Toni put her book away and started fidgeting with her hair and clothes. As the train screeched to a halt, she jumped up from her seat, almost losing her balance, and hugged her bag to her chest as she made her way to the platform, murmuring apologies to the people she passed. She was immediately greeted by Fangs, who pulled her into a hug and apologized on Sweet Pea’s behalf for having to work instead of coming to get her.

“And I begged to get off this morning, so I could have driven up to get you, but then I would have had to work all Thanksgiving,” he continued. “Was the train as horrible as I imagine? We should have driven up.”

Toni laughed, letting him take her bag. “It was fine. Cheryl brought me to the station.”

“Oh, so it’s getting serious? Tell me everything.”

“She just didn’t want me to have to spend 45 minutes alone in an uber,” Toni protested, already knowing Fangs was going to press the issue.

“So she spent 45 minutes alone in her car on the way back? Sounds like a weak excuse to me,” he teased, throwing Toni’s duffle bag in the back seat as they settled into Sweet Pea’s truck.

“He’s letting you drive his  _ baby _ ?”

“We didn’t want you to have to get on a motorcycle for an hour after that train ride. But if you want to insult my driving I’ll make sure not to be so considerate next time.”

Toni laughed again, gesturing for Fangs to start the truck. “I missed you guys.”

Fangs grinned back at her. “We missed you too. But now that you’re here, I’m going to need you to back me up against Sweet Pea that his lack of cooking ability isn’t endearing.”

Back with her best friends, Toni quickly fell into her old routine. She’d lived in Sweet Pea’s trailer, although he reminded her it was both of theirs every time she said the word “your,” since her senior year of high school. Not having to work was a nice change, but she kept busy with her textbooks when Fangs and Sweet Pea were at work. They both let her draw portraits of them, and then made fun of each others’ faces, but they never laughed at her drawing skills, or lack thereof.

Fangs wanted to hear all about Cheryl, but Toni tried to keep her stories brief for Sweet Pea’s sake, as he complained that he wanted to spend time with them, not hear about coupley stuff. Fangs laughed, saying Sweet Pea was just jealous, but finally agreed to stop asking about her relationship, at least when Sweets was around. In just her first day back, Toni told Fangs all the details he’d missed out on. In turn, he lamented over the ending of his relationship with Joaquin, and Toni successfully resisted the urge to remind him that she and Sweet Pea knew exactly how it would pan out from the beginning.

“So, you’re really happy with her?”

Toni smiled at the subject change. He’d answered all her questions about Joaquin, so it was only fair that she let him move the conversation along when he had enough. “Beyond happy. With her I feel like I can really do it, you know?”

“College?”

“Yeah, but also everything after,” Toni replied with a vague hand gesture implying her future.

Fangs grinned, pulling her into a hug. “You can do it on your own, too. But I’m happy for you. Even if you want to get  _ married _ .”

“Fangs!”

Toni spent Sunday with her grandfather, going out when the white people are all in church, as he always liked to do. Never mind that Toni’s mother had been Catholic—based on what little she knew, her grandfather hadn’t liked her mother, even back when she was sober.

Halfway through their walk, when she was sure he was in a good mood, Toni finally told her grandfather that she was bisexual, and that she was seeing someone. She’d excused the six year delay between telling her friends and her grandfather by telling herself that she didn’t need to tell him until she actually had a girlfriend, but with that excuse gone she couldn’t bear not to share her life with him.

“How did you two meet?”

Maybe she could bear to keep some things to herself. “Her best friend’s in my art class. But I only actually met her at the info session about majoring in art. I told you about that, remember? She was the one who explained everything to me.”

“I’d have remembered if you told me you met a girl there.”

“I didn’t know if it was going to go anywhere! Anyway, it’s still new.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me, Ant. Maybe you can bring her next time you come home.”

Toni nodded, reaching over to hug her grandfather. Part of her knew it would go over well—he’d never cared about Fangs’ slew of boyfriends—but she was still relieved. She hadn’t realized how much her fear of his reaction was weighing on her until it was over. She spent much of the rest of their walk telling her grandfather about all the art museums Cheryl had taken her to. He said he was happy that they had so much in common, which was probably a dig at her mother, but Toni ignored it, replying that she was happy too.

Toni and Cheryl FaceTimed that night, when both of them were in their respective rooms. Toni, believing that Cheryl would never judge her but still feeling self conscious, especially knowing how Cheryl had grown up, made sure the camera showed only her face and the nice part of the walls, where she had photos covering stains from year-old leaks.

“I told my grandfather about you.”

Cheryl smiled in response. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah. I hadn’t come out to him yet, but…” Toni trailed off, but upon noticing Cheryl’s worried look she was quick to add that it went well—really well, in fact.

“I’m happy for you. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, Cher. You do too, you know?”

Cheryl nodded. “I think I believe that now.”

“I’d kiss you, if I could. You deserve the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been almost two months! It'd been hard to write with everything that's going on, but I've been working a little out of order, which means the next two chapters are both almost done, so they'll be up over the next two weeks.


	6. Back on Campus

Josie had stayed on campus through Sunday morning. She and Cheryl made full use of the near empty campus until Cheryl managed to convince her that she’d be okay and was able to get her to leave by midday. Josie had two parents who loved her, and should spend time with both of them. Keeping Cheryl company wasn’t worth her missing out on time with her family, especially since she couldn’t see her parents at the same time. Josie offered to bring Cheryl home with her at least for a few days, but accepted Cheryl’s refusal, objectively knowing that she didn’t want to risk rocking her relationship with either parent further. Still, the concept of a friend to act as a buffer seemed appealing.

Josie, by far the best friend Cheryl’s had since Jason’s death, kept up the charade of wanting to be on campus more than seeing her family pretty well, all things considered. Cheryl idly wondered if she would consider a career in theater like her stepbrother.

Cheryl kept busy after her lunch with Josie by finishing all the assignments she’d been able to get early, forced herself down to the dining hall at 7, and finally got to curl up in bed, talking to Toni. She was happy to hear that Toni thought she was important enough to tell her grandfather about them, and laughed along with Toni’s stories about her friends. She went to bed as soon as they hung up, already distinctly aware of how long the next week would be. She couldn’t begrudge Toni for having people to go home to, as much as she wished she could have stayed on campus with her. Their daily calls never lasted over an hour, but Steph had allowed Cheryl to claim a corner of an art studio that wasn’t being used that semester, so she was able to channel her distraught into her art.

The studio was one of the few places on campus that was properly ventilated for oil paints, and Cheryl was grateful for the opportunity to practice. She opted for a self portrait, as she didn’t have access to any other live models and two and a half years of college art courses had left her beyond exhausted with still lives. She could still appreciate the skill, but as she wanted something enjoyable enough to fully distract her, fruit wouldn’t suffice.

She finished her underpainting on Monday, and had to tear herself away from her work to eat. Still tempted to make herself finish a project before allowing herself to eat a meal, she was satisfied that she got away from the easel to eat lunch, even if it meant she had to clean up twice that day. Too frightened of how blue her skin used to get to do anything but a normal color scheme, Cheryl focused on making a realistic painting, backing away from the easel every few strokes to make sure she was happy with it. She could always cut it up and turn it into some kind of collage later, although she’d have to be careful that it was for productive reasons, not destructive ones. For now, she was focusing on skill. She’d long since learned to keep her palate several feet behind her as a way to force herself to look at the entire work, and by now it had become second nature. Even though she was staring at her body, while painting she found a way to be happy.

Turning in front of the mirror on Friday night, Cheryl measured her ribs with her fingers, trying to decide if she’d lost weight without having to go down to the wellness center and use a scale. She hadn’t weighed herself in months, thanks to Josie throwing out her scale at the end of their freshman year. They hadn’t had one in their dorm since. She’s been getting better, or she thinks she has been, anyway. She knew she’d been eating better over the past few months, but over the past five days she hadn’t had anyone to get worried if she wasn’t eating enough. Not being able to compare her meal to the person across from her was good in theory, but not necessarily so in practice. Being alone meant everything she thought she’d gotten over was more than happy to come back to torment her.

  
  


Sweet Pea had the Sunday and Monday after Thanksgiving off, so he offered to drive Toni back up to school. They left right after an early lunch with Fangs, and arrived on campus just after 8 oclock. Toni was eager for Cheryl to meet at least one of her friends, and had made sure Sweet Pea wouldn’t mention anything he read about her online. She planned for the three of them, as well as Josie, who was still insisting she was the cause of their relationship, to meet for dinner. She was beyond nervous about what Sweet Pea and Cheryl would think of each other, and decided to busy herself by boring Sweet Pea with details about photography instead. He, like always, knew exactly what she was doing, and accepted the lecture about the finer points of developing in a dark room. After she managed to tire herself out, he assured her that he just wanted her to be happy. If Cheryl made her happy, he liked her already.

Toni smiled, grateful for the support. She’d never even considered dating someone who didn’t know her friends already. Everyone she knew had been from her hometown, where everyone knew each other.

While stopping in her dorm to restock her closet with winter clothes, Toni introduced Sweet Pea to her roommate. The room seemed even smaller with him there, and once again Toni was reminded that she hadn’t put her old photos up. When she mentioned that he’d stay over that night, she learned that her roommate didn’t want a guy in their room while she was asleep. Which was fair, and Toni realized that she probably should have asked ahead of time, especially since they weren’t exactly friends, but the issue of where Sweet Pea was going to sleep still remained. As they drove to the restaurant, Toni offered to pay for Sweet Pea to stay in a motel for the night.

“Tones, it’s fine, I’ll just sleep in the truck.”

“Pea, it’s freezing. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. You’re not paying for me.”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Maybe you can stay in Cheryl’s room? She can sleep with me. I’ll ask her and Josie at dinner.”

Sweet Pea raised his eyebrows, making Toni laugh as she remembered the years he spent unsuccessfully trying to master the art of raising just one. He’d once stopped talking to her for days because she’d made fun of him for it after easily raising just one of her eyebrows. “You have sleepovers with her?”

“Shut up.” Still fighting a smile, she told him to focus on the road, staring out the window as she started to overthink again.

The four ate at the best Mexican place the college town so far north it was practically in Canada had to offer, which was to say a mediocre restaurant. Toni missed Fangs’ mom’s food already. Cheryl and Josie were both already there when she and Sweet Pea arrived, sitting together on the cushioned bench on one side of the table. The two slid out to hug Toni. Cheryl offered a hand for Sweet Pea to shake, and Josie followed her lead. Toni was sure he found it hilarious, and was glad he kept quiet.

When she went to sit down again, Josie moved to the opposite side of the table, letting Toni slide in next to Cheryl. They intertwined their hands immediately, ignoring their friends’ pointed looks. Toni noticed Sweet Pea attempting to subtly get information about them from Josie, who was more than happy to oblige. She almost called him on it, but was distracted by Cheryl resting her head against her and decided to switch her attention to Cheryl, who deserved it, as opposed to Sweet Pea, who probably didn’t deserve her annoyance.

Sweet Pea and Josie got along surprisingly well. Well enough, even, that Toni had to kick Sweet Pea under the table to get him to stop flirting with her several times. He responded with a charming smile each time, asked her or Cheryl a single question, and then went back to talking to Josie.

It appeared that Josie would be more than happy to let Sweet Pea stay in her and Cheryl’s dorm.

“How was your mom?”

Josie sighed, setting her fork down to answer Cheryl. “Still thinks I’m not good enough to have a career singing.” Noticing that Cheryl and Toni were both about to protest, she amended her statement. “Well, she thinks it’s too hard for anyone, at least. And she compared me to you again, asking why I can’t have my “fun major” and major in something useful as well. But! It’s fine. Toni, how was your break?”

Toni told her how much fun she’d had, although she missed both her and Cheryl, earning a smile from both girls. When Sweet Pea started telling them about what he and Toni were like in high school, she was finally grateful that he was clearly trying to impress Josie, as it meant that he didn’t tell Cheryl any embarrassing stories.

They split up to get back to Josie and Cheryl’s dorm, and met up again outside the building. Toni gave Sweet Pea a stern warning not to mess up her friendship with Josie while Cheryl was getting her pyjamas. She got into a play fight with him, but then couldn’t help but smile when she saw her girlfriend’s cherry red overnight bag. If asked, she’d say it was that she knew the bag would be red, and not that she was excited to sleep in the same bed as Cheryl again. Still, she was reluctant to go back to the freshman dorms, not leaving without another pointed glare at Sweet Pea, who pretended not to notice her.

“Is Josie going to be okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seemed pretty adamant about not wanting them to get together earlier.”

“Oh. She’ll be fine. It’s just that last year he hooked up with one of my friends, they slept together once, and then he wouldn’t return her calls. Then she got mad at  _ me _ about it, for some reason. It kinda ruined my friendship with her. So I’m still kind of holding a grudge about that.”

“Well, considering how far away he lives, I don’t think Josie wants anything long term from him.”

Toni paused to buzz into the building before responding. “No, you’re right. It’s fine. I mean, I sorta had a crush on her at the time, which had something to do with it.”

Cheryl pursed her lips slightly, making Toni laugh and grab her hand. “Trust me, you’re way hotter than her. And it was more I thought she was hot than actually had a crush on her anyway. Also you’re actually into girls, not just kissing girls when you’re drunk to get guys to like you more, so.” She paused, shaking her head to clear it before adding the main reason she’d been mildly upset. “I’m just ranting. That isn’t even relevant. Really I was hoping you and Sweet Pea would get to know each other, but he seems more interested in a hookup than meeting my girlfriend.”

Cheryl looked at her sympathetically. “He still seems nice. And if he’s going for Josie, at least I know he has good taste.” Noticing Toni parrot her mildly jealous reaction from a minute earlier, Cheryl laughed, tightening her grip on Toni’s hand and nudging her shoulder into hers. “Not that she has anything on you, obvi.”

As they neared her room, Toni turned back to Cheryl. “I think my roommate hates me, so we have to be quiet.”

“Oh, so if I want to kiss you, I have to do it now?”

“Exactly,” Toni grinned, wrapping her arms around Cheryl’s neck as she leaned in to meet her halfway.


	7. First Time

Once everyone was back on campus and she didn’t magically recover, Cheryl knew it was time to return to the support group Josie convinced her to join Freshman year. She emailed Lisa, the college counselor who ran it, a quick explanation which was received warmly. Lisa urged her to return, making sure Cheryl knew she wasn’t upset that she’d stopped coming.

On Wednesday afternoon, Cheryl entered the small but brightly-lit room for the first time that school year, making sure she was early. It was still ten minutes to four when she sat down in the circle of chairs, and only Lisa and a girl she didn’t recognize were there. Lisa welcomed her back and introduced her to the girl, Veronica, a sophomore who’d joined the group about a month earlier.

Another four girls and two guys filtered in before the meeting started, most of whom Cheryl remembered from the previous year. She’d never really become friends with any of them, but they still smiled when they saw her and asked how she was.

Two nights later, Cheryl arrived back at her dorm exhausted. The library closed at eleven on Fridays, and she hadn’t wanted to relocate to an all-night study spot, so she decided to get ready for bed. She’d be more productive tomorrow if she went to sleep now anyway. She’d gotten coffee with Toni in the early afternoon, and she was still jittery from the excitement. Maybe it was from the caffeine. She needed to up her tolerance. For coffee, maybe, or else for being around Toni. She wasn’t used to being so happy.

She took her makeup off and showered before changing into a nightgown and slipping under the covers. Resting a hand on the silk covering her stomach, she let her thoughts wander to that afternoon. To how truly happy she was. To Toni’s laugh, the way she blushed whenever she thought she’d said something too forward. Cheryl felt her own cheeks redden as her hand moved lower.

She hadn’t even tried to touch herself in years. Not since the before _. _ She closed her eyes, thinking of Toni’s smile, the smell of her shampoo when she hugged her goodbye. To that kiss, the warm feeling of Toni’s breath and her  _ lips _ .

Cheryl bit her lip as she felt her hips start to jerk, slowing her circles as she caught her breath. She brought her mind back to Toni as she started the movement up again, feeling a slow buildup of pleasure when nuns and orderlies started flashing in her mind.

Cheryl sat up with a gasp, clenching her fists as she tried to block the memories. Her damp hair suddenly seemed so heavy, pulling her down from the skull. Feeling tears start to run down her face, she reached blindly for her bear before throwing it back down. Now was not the time to reminisce about her brother. Not when she’d just been–

Deviant. Wrong.

Cheryl squeezed her eyes shut. She could get Josie. That’s what she usually did when the panic attacks got this bad, but her friend had an interview for a prestigious summer internship in the morning. She’d been preparing all afternoon. She went to sleep early on purpose, in bed before ten to get a full night’s sleep before the interview that could change the course of her career.

Part of her knew that Josie wouldn’t mind, but Cheryl refused to be selfish enough to drag Josie out of bed knowing that she’d refuse to leave Cheryl’s side for hours. Josie was too good to her. She didn’t deserve it.

She could call Toni.

She could call Toni, or she could try to deal with this herself and hope it wouldn’t lead to another backwards spiral that would end in her hospitalization.

She wouldn’t need to be hospitalized again. That was her senior year of high school, when she was still under the clutches of her mother and almost completely friendless. She was in a much better place now. She was happy.

She should still call Toni. But would she even be awake? She could text her. That’s less aggressive for this time of night.

“Are you awake?”

Toni was lying in bed surrounded by math problems, review packets, and her laptop. What was the point of required math courses? If she couldn’t even get through remedial precalculus, there was no way she’d be able to graduate. How was she supposed to take an actual calculus class? She was just beginning to debate dropping out when Cheryl’s text came. Immediately sitting up, she grinned as she typed out her response.

“Yeah, why?”

“Can you come over?”

Toni let out an uncharacteristic squeal before looking over worriedly at her roommate, who had earbuds in and was staring at her laptop. Thank god. Responding that she was on her way, Toni looked down at what she was wearing. The oldest top she owned and underwear with a hole in the waistband. Should she put on real clothes? It was almost midnight. She hastily stacked the papers on her desk and changed into a nicer sleepshirt, which was also a hand-me-down from Fangs but at least didn’t look like it, and underwear with lace trim. She couldn’t go out wearing shorts in December, but sweatpants felt too casual. Finally deciding on a simple skirt she could tuck the shirt into, which would still be freezing but at least not look ridiculous, Toni grabbed her keys and slipped on a pair of shoes. She got to Cheryl’s dorm a minute later and found the outside door propped open. Someone must be having a party. Slipping inside, she made her way upstairs.

“I’m outside.” She put her phone back in her bag, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet. Was this really happening? She’d had sex before, but never with someone she was actually in a relationship with. Never with someone she really liked. Never with a girl.

Toni’s smile fell away when Cheryl opened the door with puffy eyes.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?”

Cheryl whimpered and fell into Toni’s arms, barely noticing Toni close the door behind her. She let Toni lead her back to her room and onto her bed, trying to forget why she was here in the first place. Pulling her legs up, she curled into Toni’s lap. Toni felt Cheryl’s tears on her neck as she held her, running a hand through her hair.

“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… I would’ve… I didn’t want to wake Josie.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m glad you texted me.” Shit. Clearly Cheryl had been looking for comfort. The text hadn’t said anything explicit. Why did she assume… Moving her hands to cradle Cheryl’s face, Toni smiled softly at her and kissed her forehead. Her heart breaking at how Cheryl seemed to melt at the gesture, she placed another gentle kiss on her lips. Cheryl offered a watery smile before burying her face back in Toni’s neck.

“Thank you, TT.”

“Anytime, Cher. I promise.” She held onto Cheryl tighter as she maneuvered their bodies back to lay on the bed. Sighing as her head found Cheryl’s pillow, she leaned over to kiss her forehead. Cheryl smiled up at her before wrapping an arm around Toni, pressing their bodies together.

Toni’s hand was resting on Cheryl’s hip. Cheryl was wearing a very short, very silky nightgown. Toni’s breath hitched as she felt Cheryl’s breath on her lips. Cheryl. She felt their nearness and the silk of the too-short nightgown under her arm. Rubbing comforting circles over Cheryl’s hip, she tried to ignore the lacy neckline and the feeling of Cheryl’s bare leg pressed against hers. She should have worn the sweatpants. They lay there for what felt like forever, but could have been anywhere from twenty minutes to three hours, Cheryl’s breathing gradually evening out, before Cheryl broke the silence.

“What are you thinking about, mon trésor?”

Toni felt heat rush to her face as she looked at Cheryl watching her. She swallowed, slightly tightening her grip on Cheryl’s hip as she tried for an answer.

Cheryl smiled at Toni’s stammering, leaning in the last centimeter to close the gap between their lips. Toni closed her eyes, rolling onto her back as she let Cheryl take control of the kiss. She ran her hands up Cheryl’s back and let them settle onto her hips. She grinned lazily up at Cheryl when she settled on top of her, propping herself up on her elbows. Reaching a hand up to the back of Cheryl’s head, Toni pulled her back down, pulled her body flesh against her own. She moaned when Cheryl’s knee found its way between her legs, hitting right where she needed (no,  _ wanted _ ) it most, causing Cheryl to pause and look down at her.

“Sorry.” Toni blushed, moving to sit up.

Cheryl giggled, moving her knees to either side of Toni’s hips. “Don’t be.” She swallowed, meeting Toni’s eyes with a false confidence. Toni laying back down and smiling up at her helped. “Do you want to keep going?”

“God, yes.” Toni’s flush deepened, a little embarrassed by her eagerness. She looked back up at Cheryl and took a breath. She might as well be honest. “I kind of thought that’s what you texted me for.”

“What? Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

Toni smirked. “Don’t be,” she mimicked. She brought one of Cheryl’s hands to rest over her shirt, closing her eyes when Cheryl started swirling a thumb around her breast. Not putting on a bra was definitely a good decision. She hummed happily, wrapping her arms around Cheryl’s waist as they kissed.

Cheryl brought a hand down to the zipper on Toni’s skirt and paused, scratching lightly at the skin on her stomach.

“Take it off.”

Cheryl nodded, dragging the zipper down and hooking her fingers in the waistband of Toni’s underwear, pulling them down along with the skirt. Toni kicked both garments off and wrapped her legs around Cheryl’s, bringing her lips back up to meet Cheryl in a kiss. Cheryl slid her hands up Toni’s waist, pushing the shirt upwards. Toni immediately sat up, reaching her arms up to let Cheryl remove it completely. Cheryl studied her for a moment before bringing their lips together again, her hands cupping Toni’s breasts. Toni moaned and pushed her hips upward as Cheryl brought her back down to the bed.

Cheryl smiled down at her, kissing her slowly as she brought her hand down her stomach. She could do this. Hoping the kisses she was running down Toni’s jawline would distract her from any lack of knowledge on Cheryl’s part, she ran a finger through Toni’s folds, gathering the wetness. Smiling at Toni’s soft grunt, she brought her fingers up to her clitoris and started making circles.

“I can tell you’re–oh–an artist.”

Cheryl smiled and brought her mouth back up to Toni’s, kissing her gently. “Good?” Receiving a fervent nod, Cheryl kissed her again, enjoying the whimpering coming from the girl under her. She brought a finger to her opening, tracing over it. “Can I?”

“Yes, please.”

Cheryl giggled, nuzzling her nose into Toni’s. Toni whined, bringing a hand up to Cheryl’s hair to bring her lips down to hers. She gasped as Cheryl’s finger slid into her, massaging the soft walls as she brought her thumb to Toni’s clit, making ever faster circles.

Toni came undone with Cheryl’s name on her lips, gasping as the kisses Cheryl was peppering along her jaw grounded her, bringing her back to reality. Her eyes fluttered closed as Cheryl shifted to lie beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist. Toni rolled onto her side and leaned up to kiss Cheryl, yawning as she did.

Cheryl smiled, pecking her lips and shifting closer, her nightgown flush against Toni’s skin. “Stay?”

Toni sat up slightly. “Of course. But, I’m not–” a yawn overtook her sentence, making her pout. “–done with you.” She leaned down to kiss Cheryl again, running a hand down her side and resting on her hip.

Cheryl shook her head, covering her panic by closing her eyes and forcing out a laugh. “You’re tired, TT. I just want to hold you.”

Toni frowned slightly, but lay back down. “Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow?”

Cheryl agreed with a hum, pressing a kiss to Toni’s shoulder. “Goodnight, ma colombe.”

“Night, Cher.” Toni smiled, falling asleep in Cheryl’s arms.

Toni woke to light streaming through the window. Remembering where she was, a smile overtook her face as she rolled over, stretching an arm out to reach Cheryl. Finding herself alone in the bed, she sat up, furrowing her brow. The spot next to her was cold. The room was empty, but the door was cracked open. Cheryl must have already left. But she’d still be in the dorm, right? Dressing in her clothes from the night before, and taking a pair of underwear out of Cheryl’s drawers, she opened the door, peering into the kitchen. Josie’s door was wide open, but the room appeared to be empty. The bathroom door was closed, and a light was on. As she crossed the room, Toni heard a faucet turn on.

“Cheryl?”

The faucet turned off. Toni waited, rocking back and forth on her feet, not sure exactly why she was nervous. A moment later, Cheryl opened the bathroom door, already dressed with makeup covering any trace of her tears from the night before. She made her way over to Toni, wrapping her arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Good morning, mon chou,” she whispered, not making eye contact.

“Good morning,” Toni responded, her good mood returning at Cheryl’s greeting, despite her apparent hesitation. She loved the French nicknames, even though she had no idea what most of them meant. “I missed you when I woke up.”

“Really?” At Toni’s questioning look, Cheryl realized Toni might not have considered that Cheryl would have thought Toni would want her to leave, and explained herself. She hadn’t considered that  _ Toni _ would be disquieted by her absence. “I was worried you’d be upset with me.”

“About us? Last night?” Seeing Cheryl nod, Toni furrowed her brow and her arms around her shoulders. “Of course not. It was perfect.  _ You _ are perfect.”

Cheryl frowned slightly, burrowing into Toni’s hair with a shake of her head. “You know I’m not.”

“Mm, but you’re perfect to me. Perfect  _ for _ me.” She moved her chin to rest on Cheryl’s shoulder, rocking them gently back and forth. Feeling the words  _ I love you _ on the tip of her tongue, she cleared her throat. “You make me happy,” she settled for instead, leaning back to watch the smile grow on Cheryl’s face.

“You make me happy too.”  



	8. The Second Almost-Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops! With quarantine + summer, I cannot remember what day it is, so here it is a day late!

Toni met up with Josie and Cheryl in their dorm Tuesday morning before art class. Cheryl was going to be modeling again, clothed this time. Josie had been laughing at Toni about how disappointed she must be since Sunday morning, which was getting progressively more annoying. Toni clenched her left hand into a fist as she knocked with her right. It was too early for this.

Cheryl opened the door wearing a knee-length black dress with a barrette clipping her hair back. It took all of Toni’s willpower not to stare as Cheryl invited her into the room to wait for Josie to finish getting ready.

She came out of the bathroom almost twenty minutes later, when she and Toni were close to being late, making Toni remember why she usually walks to class alone. When she reminded Josie of this, however, Josie just laughed, saying she should be thankful she got to be with Cheryl without her there bothering them.

Toni rolled her eyes, hoisting her homework over her shoulder. She’d redone the drawings three times, and still wasn’t satisfied with it. The studio was between the dorm and dining hall, so she and Josie got to drop their work off before breakfast. Josie was happy she didn’t have to carry it further. Toni was just glad she could think about waffles instead of artwork.

Class started with a critique of the homework, so Cheryl spent the first hour in a neighboring studio, where she was working on a piece for her sculpture class. Toni and Josie pinned their pieces to the wall and listened to Steph complimenting the first piece.

A few students later, when she got to Toni’s work, her tone changed.

“The assignment was to experiment with values, you should have used pure ink for the darkest parts.”

Toni winced. “I did. I don’t know why it didn’t get dark.”

“It’s gray. This clearly isn’t just India ink.”

“It is,” Toni muttered, unsuccessfully trying to keep paying attention. Steph moved on to Josie, and then the group of boys to their right, but Toni kept her eyes glued to her own piece, taunting her with it’s single tone.

She was glad to move to the easels, making gestural drawings of the people across from her until Cheryl came in.

When the class was over, Toni gestured for Cheryl to come over to her easel, eager to show her the drawings. Although Cheryl exuberantly professed praise, Toni was paying more attention to the tightness in her jaw and twitching eye.

Toni told Josie they wouldn’t join her at lunch, knowing perfectly well what she’d assume that meant. Cheryl appeared confused, letting Toni lead her into the bathroom but not understanding why she seemed upset.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I… what? TT, I wouldn’t.”

“You should get better at it if you want me to believe that.” Toni squared her jaw, crossing her arms.

“Mon cœur, please. I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

“Stop calling me that! You can’t just use fancy words and expect me to fall for it.”

Cheryl stepped back, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I’m sorry.” Her eyes darted to the exit as she swallowed.

Toni sighed, lowering her voice. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

Cheryl nodded, coming up to Toni again and resting a hand on her arm. “Please, I’ll fix it. I’m sorry, TT. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Tears began welling up in her eyes again as she spoke in a desperate whisper.

“No, Cher, stop it.” Seeing Cheryl’s lower lip start to tremble, Toni sighed again, pulling her into a hug. “I want to be mad at someone, and I guess I wanted you to yell at me because I’m trying to self destruct. But you don’t deserve that, and you’re the best part of my life right now, and I’m sorry, Cheryl. I can’t take it out on you.”

Cheryl stilled, letting Toni hug her before responding. “You can, if you want.”

“I can what?”

“Take it out on me. You don’t have to treat me like I’m about to break.”

Toni pulled back enough to look Cheryl in the eyes. “I’m not. Or, maybe if you didn’t have everything else going on I would treat you differently, but that would be treating you worse. Because I’m kind of a toxic person sometimes, but I’m trying to be better. I want to be better, because you deserve someone better.”

Cheryl shook her head, leaning in to press a kiss to the corner of Toni’s mouth. “That isn’t true. We can both try to become better people, but don’t think for a second that you don’t deserve me.”

Toni nodded shakily, wrapping her arms around Cheryl again as she buried her face in her neck.

Cheryl waited a moment, letting Toni calm down before speaking. “TT, what were you upset about before?”

Toni groaned, lifting her head but not meeting Cheryl’s eyes. She summarized her feelings of inadequacy, directing her words to the floor, and explained how it seemed that Cheryl had been pretending she liked her drawings to make her feel better, which was frustrating when she needed to improve, not to just feel like she had.

Cheryl gathered her thoughts. “You are getting better. You know more now, which means that you know how much you can still improve. You’re focusing on that instead of what you’ve already done.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t change the fact that Steph thinks I’m a horrible artist.”

Cheryl kissed Toni’s temple. “What did she actually say?”

“I couldn’t get it dark enough! For the still lives. I was just using the ink but it still wasn’t black.”

“Then the issue lies with the materials, not your talent. What paper were you using?”

“The cheapest one?”

“Then that’s the problem.  _ You  _ are still brilliant.”

“Apparently not, if I don’t know what paper to use.”

“Then you’ll just have to bring me along next time.” Cheryl smirked, lightly tugging Toni’s hand. “Let’s get your stuff out of the studio before Steph locks up.”

“Can I take it to your dorm? Mine’s so far away.”

“Of course, ma chérie.” Cheryl paused. “Can I call you that?”

“What? Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. I love the nicknames, don’t stop.” Toni loved  _ Cheryl _ , she knew for sure but couldn’t say. She doubted even her worthiness to date Cheryl, much less to love her. How could she? She was already letting her insecurities ruin their relationship. She couldn’t add to it by confessing her feelings. If Cheryl didn’t return them, she’d feel so much worse.

They soon returned to Cheryl’s dorm, where Toni dropped everything in the designated messy art corner. Excusing herself to use the bathroom, she left Cheryl on the bed, rubbing lotion into her legs.

Returning a minute later, she sat next to Cheryl with a sheepish smile. “I used your last tampon.”

“Yeah, of course. They’re Josie’s, though.”

“Oops.”

Cheryl giggled. “Don’t worry. I’ll tell her she needs to pick up another box.” She typed out a text to Josie before setting her phone down on the bedside table. “Do you want a hot water bottle?”

“No, I’m fine. It’s probably why I was so upset all weekend, though.”

Cheryl offered a sympathetic smile, making Toni smile in response. Cheryl rested a hand on her hip, leaning over to kiss her. Toni deepened the kiss, tangling her hands in Cheryl’s hair as they toppled over. They were soon interrupted by Cheryl’s phone buzzing, so Toni reached an arm out to pick it up. As she read the series of texts she turned to Cheryl, confused.

“Why is Josie so happy you used her tampon?”

Cheryl blinked, sitting up. Because Josie knows I haven’t had a period since high school, she wants to say. “I’ve refused to use tampons for as long as she’s known me. She must assume that’s finally changed, but she’s obviously wrong. I’ll tell her it was you.”

No sooner had Cheryl sent the clarifying text message than Josie opened the door, back from lunch.

“Where were you guys?”

Toni shrugged. “Here and there.”

Josie crossed her arms. “Did you have lunch yet?”

“No, we could go now?” Toni looked to Cheryl for confirmation.

“Yes, we were just about to leave.” Ignoring Toni’s smirk and Josie’s disbelieving stare, she stood, pulling Toni up with her. On their way out they both said goodbye to Josie, who made Cheryl promise to talk to her that night. Cheryl agreed and then promptly put it out of her mind, focusing instead on enjoying the rest of her day with Toni.

Cheryl chewed her lip, watching Toni stabbing at her salad. “TT?”

Toni guiltily brought her gaze up to meet Cheryl’s. “Yeah?”

“Is something else upsetting you?”

Toni pouted, looking back down at the table as she tapped her fingers against her thigh. “How are you so good at words?”

“I’m parrotting my therapist. And you’re deflecting.”

“I think I’m failing precalc.”

“You can take precalculus in college?”

Toni groaned, dropping her head to the table. Why did she bother? Their lives were obviously so different. She’d been doing so well at hiding the more unsavory aspects of her life, and didn’t know why she was stopping. No matter how comfortable she felt around Cheryl, no matter how many art lectures they went to together, she wouldn’t understand.

Cheryl winced, regretting her question. “Sorry.” She paused to brush her fingers over Toni’s arm. “Does the math center help?”

“Not really. But Robinson’s basically given up on me at this point, so I’m still going.” Remembering that she’d decided not to keep talking about her problems, Toni changed the subject. “Anyway, are we still on for the opening tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Cheryl answered before returning to the matter at hand. “But do you want me to help you? There’s some calculus in the econ course I’m taking now, so I remember it.”

Toni swallowed. “Okay.”

Cheryl stood abruptly, dropping a napkin on her half full plate. “Perfect! Let’s go.”

Cheryl arrived at group the next day having planned an evening date with Toni, satisfied that she wouldn’t text her to meet too early, or wonder where she was. She came early again to talk to Lisa about her worries about January. She’d already told everyone how hard Thanksgiving was, for the opposite reason as everyone else there. Now she was worried about spending a month and a half without anyone to check up on her.

Lisa suggested getting a meal buddy, and offered to ask if anyone else would be on campus for the January term. Veronica was the only one who said she was, so the two girls stayed after with Lisa to make a plan.

Veronica was relieved to have found a built-in friend for the month, as she hadn’t known anyone else staying on campus. Lisa left the two girls to get to know each other.

“So, Veronica, what will you be doing on campus?”

“Honestly I’m desperate to stay away from my dad. I had to tell him I’m trying to graduate early for him to let me go back early.”

Cheryl smiled sympathetically. “Yeah, I get difficult family relationships. I moved in with my grandmother as soon as I graduated high school.”

“What about you?”

“Economics research.” Before Cheryl could elaborate, Veronica interrupted that she was planning on majoring in economics too. Cheryl, glad they had something beyond eating disorders in common, happily talked about professors and courses with her until it was time for her to leave.

  
  


Toni was reclining on Cheryl’s bed, listening to the water from her girlfriend’s shower. Their last day of exams was exactly a week away, and no one would be on campus for two and a half weeks. Toni, like Josie, was going to stay home for the January intersession, but Cheryl had to go back to campus early for some Economics research project Toni didn’t fully understand. She was counting down the days, although she was torn between excitement and dread at leaving Cheryl for so long.

Cheryl entered the room wrapped in a fluffy towel, pausing to press a kiss to Toni’s lips before dressing. “Thanks for waiting for me.”

Toni grinned, letting her eyes travel across Cheryl’s body. “I’d be glad to. Literally anytime.” Taking note of Cheryl’s blush, she changed course. “What are you doing over break?”

“I’ll stay at my grandmother’s house. It’s six or seven hours south, but it’ll be nice to be back.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you…” Toni trailed off, finding that “I didn’t realize you had a grandmother” sounded a lot less intelligent when she was speaking out loud.

“She passed away last year. I’d moved in with her after high school, and she always hated my parents, so she left me the house.”

“I’m sorry.” Toni saw the tightness of Cheryl’s jaw as she tried to shrug nonchalantly and took Cheryl’s hand in her own. “If there’s anything I can do,” she tried again.

“Thank you, TT, but I’m alright. I’ve come to peace with it.”

“Are you staying there alone?”

Cheryl shrugged. “It’s only about an hour from my hometown. I’ll make a few day trips to see friends, and Patricia. The housekeeper,” she added at Toni’s questioning look.

Toni nodded, deciding to ignore the housekeeper comment. “Do you want to stay with me for part of it?”

Cheryl bit her lip. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Not at all! Fangs and my grandfather would love to meet you.”

“But you haven’t seen them in so long. I’m sure they just want you back.”

Toni shook her head, linking her arms behind Cheryl’s shoulders. “I’m staying for a full month after you’re due back on campus, remember? You don’t have to come, but please don’t refuse because you think you aren’t wanted.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course.” Toni’s attempt to keep herself from smiling was rendered irrelevant when she imagined the house Cheryl would have stayed at, making her face drop. “The trailer’s worse than dorm housing, though.”

Cheryl shook her head, kissing Toni on the cheek. “No matter. I just want to be with you.”

“You’re sure?”

Cheryl smiled at the mirror of their conversation a few sentences earlier. “Of course.” Relieved with the change of plans, she gave the first genuine smile of their conversation. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Unbothered by how much the grin on her face outshone Cheryl’s, Toni climbed onto her girlfriend’s lap, giggling as she pressed kisses to her face.


	9. Toni's Family

Spending time Cheryl was the only thing keeping Toni sane during finals week. She’d turned in two of her three papers ahead of time, but was still barely on track with studying for the precalculus final. It helped that Cheryl seemed to actually enjoy studying, and was always willing to help Toni, but still. Finals were somehow at least twice as hard as midterms had been, probably because her freshman-heavy classes had all still been helping them settle in. It really wasn’t fair that she was expected to get caught up in math on top of a full course load. Coming out of the exam Thursday evening, she wanted to celebrate, but also had to get to sleep early for Friday’s exam.

Toni got up at seven to have breakfast before her last exam of the semester, which unfairly started at 8 am. When she finally came out of the classroom, Toni found Cheryl waiting for her in the lobby, reading _The Art of War_.

“Preparing for something?”

Cheryl looked up, a smile spreading across her face as Toni settled next to her. “No, just waiting for you. I think I’ll take a course on Chinese philosophy next semester if I can’t get into the econ seminar I want.”

“The one they only let seniors take?”

Cheryl offered a mock-offended glare. “I’m very close to convincing the dean to let me take it, thank you very much.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Toni replied, resting her head on Cheryl’s shoulder and closing her eyes. She hadn’t appreciated getting up so early to sit for a three hour test. She decided to never take an 8 a.m. class again after about two weeks on campus, and was relieved that it was finally over.

“How was your exam?”

“Nothing I can do about it anymore. Can we get lunch?”

Cheryl laughed, taking Toni’s hand as she led them to the dining hall. It was barely eleven, but if they wanted to get to Toni’s hometown by the evening they’d have to leave soon.

They pulled into Sunnyside Trailer Park just after 8 p.m. Toni assured Cheryl that her car would be fine; Cheryl pretended she wasn’t worried about it.

Toni laughed lightly. “I know it’s your brother’s car. I wouldn’t be offended or anything.”

“Thanks. Which way do I turn?”

Toni smiled as she answered, pulling out her phone to say they were almost there.

When they walked into the trailer, Sweet Pea and Fangs were waiting in the living room. Both got up to greet them. Cheryl watched Fangs practically spin Toni around the room as she gave Sweet Pea a stiff hug. She handed him the small plant in her hand, which he stared blankly at.

“It’s a basil plant. To cook with.”

Toni came over, nudging his shoulder. “Say thank you. I wanted it.”

Cheryl flushed slightly. “Toni! You said he’d like it.”

Fangs grinned, grabbing the plant. “He needs it. This place is depressing.” He elbowed Sweet Pea, who started.

“Thanks. Plants are… awesome.”

Fangs laughed as Toni glared at him. “On his behalf, thank you, Cheryl. We appreciate it.” He disappeared into the kitchen, coming back empty handed.

“We just ordered a pizza. It should get here soon, if you’re hungry.”

Cheryl shifted on her feet, leaning closer to Toni. “Is there something else I can eat?”

“How do you not eat pizza?”

“I can’t eat gluten” spilled out of her mouth before she could stop herself. It was an excuse she hadn’t used in years, which made her begin to panic. It definitely wasn’t the kind of lie someone actually in recovery would use, but more importantly, she had no idea if she’d eaten something with wheat in it in front of Toni before. Surely she had on one of her better days?

“Wait, really?”

Cheryl nodded uncomfortably.

“I guess I’ve never seen you eat bread. We can add something to the order?”

Cheryl nodded again. “Just a salad’s fine. It’s so late already, I wouldn’t want to delay dinner any further.” That was a reasonable reason to order a salad. She could even almost convince herself. “Without dressing,” she couldn’t help but add.

“Fangs, can you call them and get a salad too? No dressing or croutons.”

“Can I ask for croutons on the side?”

Toni rolled her eyes. “You want plain croutons?”

“Yeah, obviously.”

“Whatever.” She just hoped Cheryl wasn’t judging them.

As Sweet Pea was thanking the delivery man, Fangs headed to the fridge. He held up two brands of beer Cheryl didn’t recognize, offering her a drink.

She was confused by Toni’s immediate response of “Don’t offer that to her” but refused the same way she would have had Toni not spoken, making Fangs’s eyes widen as he gestured to Sweet Pea. She didn’t know what they were thinking, and worried that she’d made yet another faux pas.

“You really don’t drink?”

Cheryl flushed, shrugging in an attempt to be nonchalant. “I prefer to stay in control of my surroundings.” That was the least nonchalant sentence she’d said in her life. “I don’t mind if you drink, though.”

Sweet Pea laughed, asking “How’d you find her, T?”

Cheryl turned redder, digging her nails into her arm. Toni glared at her friends, taking Cheryl by the hand as she sat them on the couch. “I don’t drink either. At all. He means it in a good way.”

Fangs nodded, taking a seat across from them as he opened his beer, raising it towards them. “Welcome to the family.” He leaned back, watching as Cheryl visibly relaxed at his words. “How’d you not know that?”

Toni kicked a leg towards him. “I guess neither of us has invited the other to a college party.”

Laughing, Fangs responded. “Just art galas?”

Toni turned to Cheryl. “Don’t answer him.” Taking a slice of pizza and settling back on the couch, she looked back towards Fangs. “Just because you can’t get a date who wants to go anywhere other than the Wyrm doesn’t mean you have to project your insecurities onto me.”

Sweet Pea grinned. “Harsh, but true.” Ignoring Fangs’ protests, he changed topics, asking Toni how finals had been. The story Toni gave him was much more positive than the truth. She knew Cheryl noticed what she left out, and was glad that she didn’t visibly respond to the white lies. She just didn’t want them to worry. There was no reason to confess all of her fears now, when they were all enjoying themselves.

Cheryl watched Fangs listen to Toni with the plate of croutons on his lap, nodding in agreement and dropping them into his mouth. Despite their pretend arguing, they seemed as close as she and Jason had been. She cuddled into Toni’s side, smiling as Toni pulled her legs over her lap, resting her hands on Cheryl’s knees as she continued her conversation.

While Cheryl hung her dresses in the closet, Toni put the rest of her clothes in the wardrobe. It all felt incredibly domestic, and they couldn’t help imagining the future.

Toni came into the bathroom the next morning as Cheryl was washing her face. She leaned against the counter to press a kiss to her damp cheek before pulling back and taking a breath.

“Hi!”

Cheryl looked confused at Toni’s artificially large smile but returned her greeting.

“So, what if you didn’t wear makeup today?”

“Why?”

Toni sighed and began playing with Cheryl’s fingers. “It’s just that we’re meeting my grandfather.”

“Generally meeting the family would be cause for more makeup.”

“Except that you’re already the most beautiful person I’ve seen in my life.” She paused just long enough for a kiss. “And my grandfather hated when I wore makeup in high school, and if he even meets one of my friends who’s wearing makeup he thinks I’ll start again.”

Cheryl furrowed her brow. “He shouldn’t have any say in that.”

Toni shook her head. “It’s just that it’s so Western, for lack of a better word. He’s just worried that I’m trying to abandon my heritage like my dad, he isn’t controlling what I do or anything. And anyway, I stopped for the sake of my skin, not for him”

“Oh. Okay. It’s just that you and Josie are the only people who’ve seen me bare faced in years.”

“If it’ll really bother you, do whatever you want. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s fine. I probably shouldn’t be so afraid of people seeing my face anyway.” Cheryl offered a brief smile before looking down at the skirt she was wearing. “Should I change?”

“I love your outfit,” Toni replied, digging her fingers lightly into Cheryl’s fuzzy sweater. “And I love _you_.”

Cheryl giggled, wrapping her arms around Toni’s waist. “I love you too, mon trésor.”

Toni led Cheryl down the path to her grandfather’s trailer, reassuring her girlfriend that he would love her. She’d managed to talk Cheryl out of buying a gift, but agreed to making cookies. She’d spent the morning watching Cheryl bake, getting progressively hungrier even though they’d just had breakfast.

“Just don’t mention Christmas. Or Europe.”

Cheryl nodded, chewing her lip as Toni knocked on the door. They heard her grandfather calling out and heavy footsteps as he made his way to the door.

“Grandpa! I missed you.”

Cheryl stepped back as they hugged. After a moment Toni pulled away, reaching out to bring her up to the top step. She put a hand on her shoulder, leaning into her with a nervous smile that did nothing to ease Cheryl’s nerves.

“This is Cheryl. She’s the one I was telling you about over Thanksgiving.”

Cheryl reached a hand out for him to shake and then offered the plate of cookies. “It’s so nice to meet you, Mr. Topaz.”

Thomas Topaz grinned, ushering them in as he began to talk. “Toni’s told me so much about you, you know.”

“Oh, what did she say?” Cheryl laughed as Toni nudged her with her shoulder.

“Anyway, Grandpa, how are you?”

“Mm. Missed you.” He sat in an armchair, gesturing for Cheryl and Toni to sit on the couch. “So you’re an artist too?”

Cheryl nodded, sitting up even straighter. “We met in Toni’s art class, actually.”

Thomas turned towards his granddaughter. “Didn’t you say you met at an information session?”

Toni nodded, tightening her grip on Cheryl’s hand. “My art teacher’s her faculty advisor. So we saw each other after class once, and she talked to my friend Josie, but we only really talked to each other when we met again later that week.”

Cheryl squeezed Toni’s hand in a silent apology as she confirmed the story.

Thomas seemed to accept the explanation as he settled back in his chair. “You’ve been focusing on your studies?”

“Yeah, Cheryl’s been helping me.”

“You have to focus on the required classes, too. I know it’s harder because of your mother, but–”

“Yes, Grandpa,” Toni interrupted. “She’s really good at math, not just art.”

Thomas hummed in agreement before turning to look back at Cheryl. “She isn’t pressuring you to–”

“No! Of course not. She doesn’t drink, either.”

“Well, that’s good. You need to have the same morals.”

Cheryl shifted uncomfortably, knowing perfectly well that it wasn’t her morals keeping her from drinking beer.

After exchanging a few more pleasantries, Thomas asked Cheryl to get him a glass of water from the kitchen and ushered Toni towards him. Toni nodded, telling Cheryl which glasses he refused to drink from and crouching next to his chair.

“You’re serious with her, then?”

“Yeah.” Smiling widely, she took her grandfather’s hand. “I love her.”

He nodded, looking down at her. “You’re the same age your grandmother was on our wedding day.”

“Okay? What do you mean?”

“I’m trying to say that I support you, if this is what you’re choosing.”

“We’ve only been together for a couple of months, Grandpa. I don’t know if I’m going to marry her.” She turned to look up at him and noticed Cheryl hovering in the doorway, a glass of water in her hand, and gestured for her to come towards them. “Cher, come here.”

Toni sat back on the couch, finally comfortable enough to lean against Cheryl’s arm in her grandfather’s presence.

Cheryl and Toni returned to the trailer a couple hours later and settled into the couch together.

“He seems nice.”

“He likes you,” Toni responded, nuzzling her nose into Cheryl’s neck.

“Really?”

“He gave me his blessing to marry you tomorrow, so yeah.”

Cheryl giggled, nudging Toni’s chin up until they were facing each other. “I heard you two talking.”

Toni flushed. “Sorry. He thinks everyone’s as deaf as he is.”

“No, it’s sweet. That you can tell him you’re in love with me.”

Toni returned Cheryl’s smile, about to respond when Sweet Pea walked in.

“Hey, guys.” He laughed at Toni’s frustrated glare, but stopped when Cheryl turned to face him. “What’d Mr. Topaz do? You look sick.”

Cheryl gave him a tight smile before disappearing into Toni’s bedroom to find her makeup bag.

Sweet Pea watched her leave before turning back to Toni, confused. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Yeah, asshole,” she responded, picking up her phone and sitting back against the couch with a huff.

“C’mon, Tones. Don’t do this again.” He watched her go after Cheryl, shoving into him with her shoulder as she passed him, before sighing and sitting down in the seat she vacated. Pulling out his phone, he texted Fangs for help.

“was she not wearing makeup LOL”

“???”

“i’m coming over”


	10. Toni's Family (Part II)

Fangs arrived at the trailer, laughing at Sweet Pea when he turned to him distraught. “Dude, you’ll be fine. Stupid and kinda hilarious mistake, but it’s whatever.”

Sweet Pea glared at him. “Not the point. I think it’s getting bad again.”

“Wait, what?”

“Toni.”

“Oh. Are you sure?” He frowned at Sweet Pea’s resigned nod. “Ugh, you know she’ll never admit it.”

“Not really.” He explained, adding that he hoped he was wrong but thought it was going to be high school all over again.

Fangs sunk into the couch. “Think she can get therapy at school?”

Cheryl gave Toni a quick peck on the cheek when she entered the bathroom, slightly worried about how agitated she seemed, before returning to her foundation. “Are you okay?”

Toni nodded, glad Cheryl was distracted. As long as she was looking in the mirror, she wouldn’t really notice anything. “I’m sorry, he’s an idiot.”

“It’s fine. Could you put this back in my bag?”

Toni nodded, making use of their time to explain where they were going. Fang’s mother, Teresa, had been the second parental figure in her life, after her grandfather. Liam, Fangs’s stepfather, had gotten her a job at the gym he worked at, and she’d worked there for most of high school and the following year. Liam was the one who helped her get her scholarship—she doubted that she’d be in college at all if it wasn’t for him.

Turning serious, she returned to how much she missed the family. She was used to babysitting Fang’s baby sister, Catalina (or Cat, because any sister of Fangs had to have a nickname), who she hadn’t been apart from for over a week until she left for college. Now it had been almost a month since she’d last seen her.

Cheryl took a break from doing her makeup when Reggie texted her.

Toni learned over her shoulder, straining towards the phone. “What’s happening?”

“I’m just telling Reggie how excited I am for him to meet you,” Cheryl responded, still typing. She let Toni wrap her arms around her, only turning around to face her once she finished the conversation.

“He and JJ were best friends since middle school. They were on the football team together,” she murmured, placing the phone face-down on the counter and resting her hands on Toni’s shoulders. “We were always friendly, but we got really close after…” Catching Toni’s eye, she sighed and turned back to the mirror, letting Toni run comforting hands down her arms.

The pair emerged half an hour later to find Fangs and Sweet Pea huddled on the couch. Both boys instantly sprung up, offering greetings with too-wide smiles. They were all due at Fangs’ house at five, but Sweet Pea claimed he just couldn’t bear to be apart from his best friends for so long. Toni gave them a tight smile, gripping Cheryl’s hand as they sat down. Clearly eager to change the subject or distract them, Fangs asked what going to school for art was like. Toni was glad to take the bait, jabbering along with Cheryl until it was time to leave.

Just before five, all four piled into Sweet Pea’s truck. He drove them out of the trailer park and winded along the road until they reached the end of the street where Fangs’ house stood, just on the edge of the nicer neighborhoods. Cheryl wobbled slightly on the stone path, holding onto Toni’s hand for balance on the uneven surface. She climbed the front steps after Fangs and watched him head straight towards the kitchen, not stopping to take off his shoes. Regretting her choice in footwear as she realized she’d have to keep her heels on all evening, she reluctantly followed him, Toni still at her side.

“I have a pair of sneakers here, if you want them,” she whispered.

“Thanks, but I’d rather suffer than ruin this outfit.” Toni laughed, squeezing Cheryl’s hand as they entered the kitchen,

Teresa stopped chopping vegetables when they approached, rounding the counter to hug Toni.

“Mija, you’d better come straight here next time! You’ve finished finals?”

“Yes tía, I’m all done.” She pulled back, putting a hand on Cheryl’s shoulder as she leaned against her. “This is my girlfriend, Cheryl.”

“Hi, Mrs Fogarty.”

“Cheryl!” She accepted the flowers Cheryl offered her and set them on the table. “They’re beautiful.” Stepping over to pull her into a hug, she spoke to Toni again, teasing. “She’s even more beautiful than you told us.” Toni groaned, mouthing an apology to Cheryl, more for show than from true annoyance. Moving back to look Cheryl in the eyes, she added “and you can call me Teresa, yes?”

“Of course. It’s so nice to meet you, Toni won’t stop talking about–”

“Okay, can we move on? Tía, can we help you with dinner?”

Teresa refused, pushing them along towards the living room with a promise to keep talking once dinner was ready. Toni sat by the coffee table where Catalina was concentrating on drawing lines.

“Hey, Kitty-Cat.”

“Toni!”

Fangs laughed, telling Toni how much his sister missed her. “Well, I’m back for a month now. You’ll be sick of me.” Laughing at Cat’s protests, she leaned in to hug her. “Do you want to meet my girlfriend?”

Cat nodded, clapping her hands as Cheryl sat down with them.

“Hi Cat, I’m Cheryl. I’m really excited to meet you.” Toni grinned at Cheryl’s fidgeting hands, a clear sign that she was nervous to meet the toddler. “Do you like drawing?”

“Yeah!”

“I do too! I go to school for drawing with Toni.”

Cat nodded, looking Cheryl over for a moment before grabbing a marker in her fist and holding it out towards her.

“Is this for me?”

Cat nodded, shaking the marker until Cheryl took it. She went back to her drawing, peeking over to see what Cheryl was doing.

Cheryl took a piece of paper from the stack and caught Cat’s eye, making her quickly put her head down so Cheryl wouldn’t know she was looking. Cheryl smiled, turning to Toni so she could start drawing her.

“Is that Toni?”

“It is! Do you have any pink for her hair?”

Cat nodded, grabbing a pink marker and giving it to Cheryl. “You’re a lot better at drawing than she is.”

“Hey, rude!”

“Sorry, Toni.”

Cheryl laughed, telling Cat that Toni’s been getting a lot better and that she’s older anyway, so she’s had more practice. Toni thanked Cheryl, giving Cat an exaggeratedly large pout before taking a paper herself and starting to draw. She drew the room instead of a person so no one could make a direct comparison between her drawing skills and Cheryl’s.

Liam arrived home from work just as they were sitting down to eat. He appeared surprised by Cheryl’s presence but introduced himself before joining the table and turning to Toni.

“You’re staying longer this time, I hope?”

Toni nodded. “I was hoping I could get my job back for January?”

“We’d love to have you back, kid. I’ll check with my boss, but I bet you can start on the second.”

Sweet Pea grinned, asking if that meant he could get the staff discount again.

“Liam kicked you off his for a reason!”

“Just because no one else thought of reselling doesn’t mean I was taking advantage,” he protested, laughing.

Teresa laughed as well, telling him she misses the time before they all started getting into trouble. Sweet Pea and Fangs both claimed it was never their fault, making Toni and Teresa both roll their eyes.

As Fangs was ribbing Toni for agreeing with his mother, Teresa started reminiscing about their childhoods. “Remember when you all used to go ice skating on the lake? Much better use of your time than what you get up to these days,” she admonished lightly.

“It’s hockey,” Sweet Pea corrected, offended at the idea.

“I didn’t know you skated.” Cheryl turned towards Toni. “We should go sometime.”

Toni shook her head regretfully. “I outgrew my skates a couple years ago.” She changed the subject before Cheryl could respond with whatever pitying response she was sure was coming, no matter how kindly Cheryl would mean it, by asking Fangs how his recent Tinder date went, making Teresa start interrogating him. She ignored Fangs’ glare, taking another bite as she listened to Teresa’s lecture about meeting people online.

That night, Toni collapsed into bed, waiting for Cheryl to finish getting ready. “What time are we leaving for your place tomorrow?”

“Eight?” Cheryl appeared in the doorway and laughed Toni’s pout. “We can pack tonight.”

“We might not even stay overnight. What’s there to pack?”

Joining Toni in the bed, Cheryl put an arm around her, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “I hope you’d bring a toothbrush, in case we do.” At Toni’s laugh she held her tighter. “I used to skate.”

Toni turned in Cheryl’s arms. “Really?”

“Competitively. I had to stop in middle school because the events conflicted with Jason’s games, but Patricia kept taking me until I could drive.”

Toni frowned. “Football shouldn’t be more important.”

“It ended up not mattering, because I switched to cheerleading, so my parents saw me perform.” She shook her head at Toni’s still worried look. “My point is that I have all my skates lined up in my room at Nana Rose’s house, if you want to pick up a couple pairs when we get there?”

“Yeah, maybe.” Toni reached across the bed to turn off the light before turning so her back was to Cheryl again, pulling the covers up around her.

Toni woke up to Cheryl’s footsteps, groaning as she turned over in bed. She knew Cheryl had opened the curtains from the faint light coming into the room, the light levels proving it was far too early to be awake.

“Bonjour, ma colombe.”

Noticing the hesitation in her girlfriend’s voice, Toni sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Babe, hey.” She blindly reached out an arm, which Cheryl gladly took as she joined Toni on the bed. “How are you dressed already?”

“I packed you a bag, if you still want to come with–”

“Of course I do. Just let me get ready?” Toni leaned forward, feeling guilty when Cheryl didn’t melt into the kiss the way she usually did. She took a breath. “I’m sorry for being kinda distant last night.”

Cheryl shook her head. “You weren’t, really. I’m just overly sensitive.”

“You aren’t.”

“Debatable.”

Toni nodded, settling back into the pillows and pulling Cheryl with her. “Okay,” she whispered, running a hand along Cheryl’s waist. Feeling Cheryl’s breath against her skin, Toni arched upwards for another kiss before pulling back. “Wait, what time is it? Did Sweets leave for work yet?”

“Almost half an hour ago.”

Toni nodded, pressing her lips back to Cheryl’s and squirming as she felt hands trail down her body. She lifted her arms to let Cheryl pull her shirt off, giggling at Cheryl’s dazed stare towards her chest.

“I love you.”

Cheryl blinked, breaking her gaze as she turned to Toni’s face. “I love you too,” she breathed, peppering determined kisses to her neck as her hands travelled lower.

Toni didn’t know how much time had passed before Cheryl was suddenly pulling away, fixing her clothes and leaving Toni alone in a post-orgasm haze.

“Cher?”

Hearing her voice, Cheryl startled, shaking her head and blinking before turning back to the bed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. Are you okay?” She sat up, pulling the covers with her.

“Of course. Just nervous, I suppose. I haven’t been home for some time.”

Toni nodded. “I’m excited to see it,” she offered, squeezing Cheryl’s hand.

“Thank you.”

Toni laughed, standing and engulfing her in a hug. “So formal,” she teased, kissing her before pulling away to dress. “Ooh, can we go to Pop’s for breakfast?” Cheering as Cheryl agreed, Toni slipped into the bathroom before pulling on her shoes, almost pulling Cheryl out the door.

As Cheryl pulled out of the parking lot, Toni texted Sweet Pea regrets that she hadn’t been awake to say goodbye, despite having known perfectly well the night before that she wasn’t going to wake up before he left.


	11. Meeting Reggie

About an hour into the drive, Cheryl’s phone started buzzing. Toni picked it up, reading the text aloud. “Patricia says she’s really sorry, and wanted to see you, but she woke up sick and doesn’t want you to catch anything.”

Cheryl frowned, tightening her grip on the wheel as she told Toni how to reply.

“I’m sorry you can’t see her.”

Cheryl swallowed. “We’ll just get to Reggie’s earlier.”

Cheryl pulled over at the next rest stop to text Reggie that they’d be there for lunch. After that morning’s activities, they’d gotten on the road later than planned, so they weren’t actually going to arrive too much earlier than they originally would have. She reminded herself that Reggie wanted to see her, and was excited to meet Toni. She wasn’t bothering him.

Just after eleven, Cheryl pulled into Reggie’s driveway. It was a large house—the kind that would definitely have a pool in the backyard. Toni let Cheryl lead to her the door, watching as it swung open to reveal who she assumed to be Reggie Mantle.

“Cheryl!” Reggie hugged her before turning to Toni, who he clapped on the back awkwardly. “Toni? Yeah, it’s good to meet you. Come in.”

Toni obliged, taking her shoes off and trying to be subtle as she gawked at the entryway. What was even the purpose of having a ceiling so high? No longer in her heels, Cheryl was suddenly much shorter than Reggie, which Toni took the time to be amused by. After offering drinks, which they both refused, Reggie ushered them into the living room. Cheryl pulled Toni into her as she settled into the couch.

Taking the armchair opposite the couple, Reggie grinned, gesturing towards them. “I’m happy for you, Cher.”

Cheryl whimpered, starting to rub at her eyes with the heel of her palm. Confused, Toni leaned closer into her, running her hands up and down her arms. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Reggie appeared on Cheryl’s other side, putting a hand on her shoulder and hugging her when she immediately fell into his arms. Toni shifted away to let him comfort her, watching Cheryl cry as she sat apart from them on the couch. She didn’t know exactly why she felt so uncomfortable, but it probably stemmed from how out of place she felt when she even imagined Cheryl’s life. Why was she staying with Toni if she could be here instead? She clearly would rather have Reggie comfort her.

Pulled out of her thoughts by the couch shifting as Cheryl sat up, murmuring apologies, Toni turned back to her, offering a hesitant smile. When Cheryl reached a hand out towards her, she took it, running her fingertips over Cheryl’s knuckles.

“Sorry about that. Reggie, are you regretting business yet?” She flashed a forceful fake smile, trying to convey both that she was only teasing and that she was over her episode.

Reggie rolled his eyes good naturedly. “Why’d I let my dad pick my major?”

Cheryl frowned, squeezing his arm before letting him continue.

“But that doesn’t matter, I’m meeting your girlfriend. Toni, what makes you think you’re good enough for Cheryl?”

Toni opened her mouth, about to speak but not knowing what she was going to say, but Cheryl interrupted before she could start. “Reggie.”

“What, let her talk!”

Cheryl tightened her grip on Toni’s hand, staring downwards. “I don’t need you to be him.”

“I know that.”

“I’m sorry,” Cheryl repeated, tipping her head back against the couch. “Remember junior prom?”

Reggie laughed. “You made Jason convince me to go with you, so yes.”

Cheryl smiled, turning towards Toni. “I obviously couldn’t go with Heather, even if we’d been past the flirting stage at that point, so Jason asked her instead, and then we were together all night when he and Reggie tried to hook up with my cheerleaders.”

“Successfully,” Reggie corrected with another laugh.

Relieved from the change in topics but also worrying about how Reggie would be comparing her to Cheryl’s ex, Toni smiled along, leaning against Cheryl’s shoulder.

When Reggie got up to bring them water, Cheryl turned back to Toni and kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry. Reggie and Heather weren’t exactly fond of each other.”

“Wait, why?”

“Nothing that you could do,” Cheryl assured her. “He didn’t like having to hang out with us—or he didn’t once he realized Heather wasn’t into him, at least. It was textbook high school drama.”

“Okay. Good,” Toni responded, relaxing again.

Reggie reappeared with another story from high school, sliding easily into the conversation. Toni listened to the two reminisce with the occasional interjection, glad to see how freely Cheryl was interacting with her brother’s friend. She and Josie were obviously close, but Cheryl didn’t seem to have any other true friends at school. Then again, Toni hadn’t exactly spent the past months building a friend group either.

Shaken out of her thoughts as Cheryl turned to her, Toni rejoined the conversation. She let Cheryl tell her about Jason, swallowing her urge to ask what happened. She’d lasted this long without googling it, and wasn’t about to let her curiosity win now.

Exhausted from the day, Cheryl drove up to Thistelhouse bleary-eyed. She circled the car to wake Toni, who gave a tired smile and reached her arms out, silently asking Cheryl to help her out of the car. When she finally saw the house, which looked more like a castle, she was glad that she was too tired to gasp. Toni let Cheryl lead her up the staircase, pretending not to be intimidated by the decorations. She didn’t understand why everything had to be so gothic.

Cheryl rummaged through the duffel bag for Toni’s pyjamas and toiletries bag, handing them to her before finding her own. She pointed to the bathroom door and watched Toni disappear. Hovering over the vanity, she worried about how starkly different their upbringings appeared. Every time she glossed over various traumas, did it seem like the complaints of a spoiled rich girl? When Toni returned, she kissed her cheek and took her place in the bathroom.

Toni, already feeling more awake from splashing water on her face, walked over to the dresser. She smiled at the arrangement of stuffed animals sitting on a row of ice skates ranging from toddler-sized to what she assumed fit Cheryl now. One of the bears was leaning dangerously into an empty spot in the center. Straightening the bear and patting it on its head, she turned back to the duffel bag to return the clothes she’d been wearing that day. Feeling something pillowy as she looked for the dirty clothes bag, she reached in to find the teddy bear Cheryl had in her dorm room.

Cheryl came out of the bathroom to find Toni on her knees, holding her bear. At the sound of her footsteps, Toni looked up guiltily, starting to apologize.

Cheryl shook her head, reaching an arm out for the bear. “She was a gift from Jason. On our last birthday, before.”

Toni handed it to her, ignoring the darker parts Cheryl clearly didn’t want to get into. “She?”

Cheryl blushed, placing the bear in the empty spot on the dresser. “Her name’s Sappho.”

Toni laughed, standing and putting her arms around her. “That’s adorable.” Smirking at Cheryl’s pout, she pressed kisses to Cheryl’s face. Cheryl turned in her arms as they both devolved into giggles, tilting her head back to let Toni bite at her jawline. She stepped forward, nudging Toni to the bed and laughing as they fell backwards. Toni scooted back to the pillows, beckoning for Cheryl to join her.

Cheryl crawled up to her, meeting her in a kiss as Toni’s hands travelled down her back and kissing her way down Toni’s body.

When Cheryl pulled back up, Toni tasted herself on Cheryl’s tongue and pressed closer to her, dragging her hand up Cheryl’s thigh and under her nightgown. Cheryl refused her again by taking Toni’s hand in her own. She wiped her chin off with her thumb and pressed a kiss to Toni’s cheek, making yet another glib remark.

Toni frowned, sitting back enough to look Cheryl in the eye and asking if there was something wrong. She kept quiet when Cheryl dodged the question, spinning words and making light of the situation, holding eye contact and waiting for Cheryl to answer her.

“I told you I have PTSD.” Cheryl bit her lip, finally breaking Toni’s gaze. “I told you my parents sent me to conversion therapy.” She shifted, twisting her fingers.

Toni held Cheryl’s hands in her own. “You could have told me that it was affecting…”

Cheryl shrugged, still refusing to meet Toni’s eye and appearing smaller than she’d ever seen her—except maybe during the panic attack she’d had when she thought Toni had been researching her family. “I figured you could make the connection.”

“No, if I did I would have… I don’t know, been more considerate.”

Hearing the guilt lacing Toni’s voice, Cheryl looked back to her, not wanting to hurt Toni over her own problems. “You were. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Babe, you don’t have to be afraid of worrying me. You deserve to be comfortable as much as I do.” She tilted her head at Cheryl’s hesitant nod. “Do you… enjoy it, when we have sex? Because I don’t want you to feel obligated to–”

“No, I do. I want to feel close to you, and I know that can happen other ways, but… I do like it.”

Toni nodded, resting her head against Cheryl’s and smirking. “So do I.”

“I noticed,” Cheryl laughed, settling into the bed and holding Toni against her.

Toni woke the next morning to Cheryl rolling into her. Toni kissed her head and received a tired smile in return before making her way to the bathroom, stopping to pull the clothes out of the duffel bag. On her way back to the bed, she noticed a black book resting on Cheryl’s vanity. Hoping it was her sketchbook, she opened it, finding a sketch of the house. Bringing the book closer, she studied it before turning back to Cheryl. “I didn’t know you did architecture, too.”

Cheryl shot up, padding across the room to take the book from Toni’s hands. “I’m a woman of many talents,” she stated, hugging it to her chest for a moment before opening a drawer and burying it under her summer clothes. Toni didn’t need to see the high school self portraits which filled the first half of the book.

“What’s your shoe size?” As she spoke, Cheryl pulled her current skates off the shelf, tucking them under her arm. Placing them on the ground, she took Sappho into her other arm, resting the bear on her hip.”

“Seven, usually.” She shifted, watching Cheryl check the sizes. “Thanks,” she whispered, taking the pair Cheryl held out to her. Watching as Cheryl reorganized the stuffed animals to cover the missing space, she took a breath before speaking again. “Do you think we could bring Cat a pair, too? Just to borrow.”

Cheryl looked up from the otter she was holding. “Of course! She can keep them.” She gestured towards the smaller skates with her head. “You can grab a pair. Or two, if you don’t know what would fit her.”

“You’re sure?”

“It’s not like I have any use for them. And there are as many bad memories attached as good ones.”

“Thanks.” Toni squeezed Cheryl’s hand, knowing better than to push the subject, and took two pairs of skates off the shelf before continuing. “We’ve been wanting to teach her to skate since last winter.”

Toni watched the house behind them as Cheryl pulled out of the driveway an hour later. Still wondering about Cheryl’s childhood, she started a story about sneaking out to go skating at night with Sweet Pea and Fangs. Despite her light tone, Cheryl didn’t take the bait and counter with a story of her own. Instead, she turned the conversation to their upcoming trip, asking Toni if they’d be going to the same lake and what time she was thinking they should leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... So it's been a couple months, and this isn't even a Monday.  
> I've been struggling with my eating disorder which has made writing this a bit of a struggle, as I don't exactly know how to write a recovery at the moment. I think I'm getting there!  
> I know what I want from this story, so I'm just trying to get the words out. I will (eventually) finish this, and there will be a happy ending.


	12. Admitting

After the drive back, Cheryl pulled into Fangs’ driveway for a late lunch. Having had the foresight to wear flat shoes, she easily walked up to the front door, ignoring Toni’s comment about how much easier her life would be if she never wore heels.

Teresa hugged them both as they walked in.

“Cheryl, I made you corn tortillas, no wheat, is that okay?”

Cheryl nodded, touched that Teresa would remember such a detail—her own mother never would—but regretful that the detail in question was one of her lies. Fangs laughing that she’d spent an hour making them just for her made her feel worse, even with Teresa insisting that he was exaggerating.

Her fear of being rude overpowering all else, Cheryl ate what Fangs’ mother had made for her. She was quieter than usual, focusing on chewing her food, and took the opportunity to observe a healthy family dynamic. She listened and imagined having parents who loved her. A little sister. A brother.

Cheryl took a breath and turned slightly, resting her left hand on Toni’s leg. Toni grinned and pressed a kiss to her cheek before rejoining the conversation, covering Cheryl’s hand with her own. She ignored Fangs narrowing his eyes at them as she laughed along to Liam’s stories about work.

After clearing the table, Toni went to fetch Cheryl’s skates and returned to the room holding them behind her back.

“Cat, we have a present for you!” Laughing as the girl bounded over to her, Toni presented the shoes, keeping the blades angled away from her.

“Why does it have a knife?”

“That’s what lets you skate on the ice. Like the Olympics, remember?”

Cat nodded, her eyes growing. “Like you and Fangs used to.”

Toni nodded. “Now you can learn, too, if you want to. We can help you try them on and decide which one fits.” Toni grinned at Cat’s excited cheer. “Can you say thank you to Cheryl?”

Cat swirled around to face Cheryl. “Thank you!” Immediately after her declaration, she turned back to the skates and began to pull at the laces, ignoring Cheryl telling her that they were from Toni, not her.

Suddenly remembering that she hadn’t exactly asked either of Cat’s parents, Toni looked up at Teresa and Liam sheepishly and began to ask them for permission.

Liam interrupted her, putting a hand on Cat’s shoulder. “Of course she can. Fangs, Sweets, you’ll go with them too?”

The boys both agreed, Fangs sitting down beside her to help her put the skates on.

A few minutes later, Teresa pulled Toni aside. “Honey, those skates–”

“Don’t worry,” Toni interrupted. “They’re Cheryl’s old skates. I’m borrowing another one of her old pairs. She didn’t buy them for her.”

That night, Cheryl and Toni piled into Sweet Pea’s truck, Cat bouncing up and down in the seat between them. Reaching over the toddler’s head, Toni started playing with Cheryl’s hair, brushing her fingers along her cheek and grinning as Cheryl blushed.

Fangs turned around from the passenger seat as if to ask them something but all that came out was a laugh. Toni retracted her hand and switched her focus to Cat, who was hurtling questions about ice skating towards Cheryl. Cheryl was answering just as quickly, and Toni smiled as she watched them.

When they arrived at the lake, Fangs pulled a possibly stolen traffic cone from the bed of the truck as Sweet Pea lifted Cat onto his shoulders, letting her direct him down to the lake by pulling at his hair.

Toni pointed her phone flashlight towards the ground, leading Cheryl down the beaten path. Their gloved fingers intertwined, she watched her step and took comfort in the sounds of twigs snapping under Cheryl’s feet, the Eurydice to her Orpheus.

Once she remembered the myth, Toni found herself unable to turn around. The wind rushed her hair back, exposing the tops of her ears, and she shuddered. As they neared the lake, Cat’s laughter grew louder. Toni felt Cheryl’s hand slip out of hers and she felt her heart drop, frozen for an instant until Cheryl came back into view, crouching beside Cat to help her with her laces.

Toni didn’t find the figure skates too difficult to acclimate herself to, despite her years-long break from skating. As she tried to push herself forward, her foot caught on the pick at the front of the skate and she tipped forward, twisting in time to break her fall with her hip. Laughing, she let Cheryl help her up, watching the fluid movement of her skates. By the time she was skating easily, Cat was moving along too, holding onto the cone for balance and shuffling forward as Fangs held his arms out in case she fell.

“Too cold, too cold,” Cat repeated, burrowing into Toni’s shoulder. She whined as Fangs pulled her out of Toni’s arms, struggling as he tried to buckle her in. Cheryl slipped into the other side, taking Cat’s gloved hands in her own and rubbing them together. Distracted, Cat turned to her, bouncing her elbows. Fangs mouthed “thanks” to her, snapping the seat belt in place and climbing back out of the backseat. Toni took his place and smiled at Cat, who was still gazing up at Cheryl.

“Mamá will help you warm up in the shower, ok? And Sweet Pea’s dropping you and Fangs off first.”

Cat whined, leaning out of the car seat to burrow her head into Cheryl’s shoulder.

When they finally reached the trailer, Toni left Sweet Pea to park, pulling Cheryl along behind her to get to the hot water.

Cheryl ran into the shower as Toni was tying her hair up, sighing as the water reached her. She showered quickly before letting Toni take her place and dressed in her warmest pajamas.

Damp hair sticking to her back, Cheryl leaned into the wall, stretching her achilles tendon. She knew she’d still be sore the next morning, but hoped to avoid the caloric euphoria she used to get from limping after a workout. Glancing at her wrist, where an Apple Watch used to track every minute exercised and every active and resting calorie burned, she tightened her jaw, dropping into a squat before standing abruptly. Returning to the wall, she leaned into the stretch again, counting seconds, keeping her mind blank.

How many days was it until she was back on campus? She needed her therapist. Gina would do a phone call session with her, right? Of course she would, if tomorrow wasn’t Christmas Eve. Josie would be with her father. Toni was just a few feet away, ready to curl up next to her in bed. She’d be exhausted, in no way ready for an emotional conversation.

Entering the room a minute later, Toni went directly to the bed, tucking her legs up under her and leaning against the wall as she watched Cheryl.

“You’re still going to feel it tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Catching Toni’s eye, Cheryl swallowed and joined her on the bed, crossing her legs and turning to face her. Now was as good a time as ever. “I hope I won’t be too sore. It’s triggered excessive exercise, in the past.”

Perfect. Toni, confused, would ask for her to clarify, allowing an easy shift in the conversation towards–

“Oh.” Toni collapsed onto her back, closing her eyes. “Do you want kids?”

Cheryl froze, recalibrating her perfectly laid-out plan for their conversation. “In theory. Not biological kids, though. I don’t want to be pregnant. Although I wouldn’t be a good mother either way.”

Toni frowned. “I think you would be. From how well you were interacting with Cat, anyway.”

“You want kids.”

Blushing, Toni glanced away. “I’ve always wanted to adopt. Or foster, maybe.” She closed her eyes, wincing, as Cheryl leaned into her, pressing her lips against her cheek.

“I want that too. I’m just worried.”

Toni tilted her head, taking one of Cheryl’s hands between her own and running her fingertips over her knuckles.

“I don’t want to pass my body image issues onto our–my–kids.” Another breath. “I’ve been going to therapy for that, too.”

Toni’s eyes lit up for a second after hearing “our” but she quickly schooled her expression. “Like confidence building?”

“Anorexia.” She watched Toni carefully, fearful of her response.

Toni was silent for a moment. Finally, as if coming out of a trance she lurched forward, swinging a leg over Cheryl’s hips to engulf her in a hug. “I’m sorry, Cher. I don’t know how I didn’t realize.”

Cheryl bit her lip. Toni overthinking was exactly what she’d wanted to avoid by putting off this conversation—or half of what she was avoiding, at least. “You didn’t know because I’ve been lying to make sure you didn’t find out.”

Toni’s guilt wasn’t lessened by Cheryl’s admission, but she did realize that she’d have to assure Cheryl as much as herself. “I’m not mad at you or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Cheryl dropped her forehead onto Toni’s shoulder. “Really?”

“Of course not. I’m glad you told me,” she added. “And you’re… getting better?”

Cheryl nodded, reluctantly bringing her head up again. “I started going to group again after Thanksgiving. I was, or am, relapsing. But I know how to get back into recovery.”

Settling into Cheryl’s lap, Toni offered a smile she hoped was encouraging. “You can tell me anything you’re comfortable with. No pressure.”

Cheryl nodded, letting Toni’s weight ground her. “Jason was always pretty much my entire support system. Heather too, in junior year, but I lost both of them and then I was sent… there, before I could really process anything. My mother pulled me out the day before senior year started, and I was suddenly back at school and the center of every rumour there was. I needed something I could control. I’ve always had issues around food, with ballet and skating and then cheer, but senior year was when it got worse.”

“Weren’t you friends with Reggie? Did he help?”

“He’s the one who convinced me to start therapy in the first place. He was Jason’s friend, not mine, but after we started getting closer. JJ would have wanted him to look after me, and he knew it, even if I wouldn’t let him help me, at first. I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with.”

Toni grinned. “I can’t even imagine that being true.” Watching Cheryl’s gaze shift down, her smile deflated. Determined, she repositioned her lips into a smirk. “Would you rather go back to the fact that I totally noticed you saying  _ our kids _ ?”

Cheryl laughed. “You’re the one who was trying to figure out whether or not I wanted kids. You aren’t exactly subtle.”

“I got an answer, didn’t I?” Still giggling, Toni let Cheryl pull her into a kiss.

Cheryl woke the next morning to Toni’s eyes on her.

“Have you ever been awake before me?”

Toni grinned, sitting up and tugging on Cheryl’s arm. “It’s  _ Christmas Eve _ . So get up, I want to go skating again.”

Cheryl nodded, letting Toni kiss her. “We have to eat breakfast first.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course. What do you want? Can I help?”

“I’ll make eggs. Can we go shopping on the way home?” She offered a slight smile at Toni’s enthusiastic nod, standing to head towards the bathroom. “Thank you.” Ignoring Toni calling out after her, she closed the door and turned the faucet on. She shouldn’t shower yet if they’re about to leave, but she could still wash her face. And brush her teeth, but only if she wouldn’t use it as an excuse to skip breakfast. Sticking the toothbrush in her mouth, she squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to focus on anything but her reflection and how disgusting she was about to look.

“I love you,” Toni called towards Cheryl’s retreating figure, deflating slightly when she didn’t respond. Setting her jaw, she pulled out her phone.  _ How to help someone with anorexia _ . She clicked the first link, skimming the introduction. She knew what it  _ was _ , just not what to do. No, she didn’t need to talk to her about it because she’d already missed every one of the warning signs until Cheryl had explicitly  _ told her _ .

Hearing the doorknob click, Toni turned her phone off and put it face-down on the bed. She went into the bathroom as Cheryl started breakfast. Walking into the kitchen, she found Cheryl over the stove and smiled, walking up to her and resting her head on her shoulder.

“Are scrambled eggs okay? I put a couple slices of bread in the toaster.”

“Yeah, that’s amazing.”  



End file.
